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Weapon X Mailbag: Who would win in a Philly mascot fight?

Plus: would you ever chug pickle juice?

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Miami Marlins v Philadelphia Phillies Photo by Rich Schultz/Getty Images

67 days until the Eagles take the field in Atlanta. I’m in football mode. I started reading America’s Game by Michael MacCambridge on the beach over the weekend. Lots of juicy nuggets about Bert Bell, the early Eagles, and Philadelphia’s place in football history. After a BBQ on Sunday, I kicked off a re-binge of Friday Night Lights. I’m ready for the season NOW!

Time for this week’s questions...

@NegadelphianNorm: In a Philadelphia mascot brawl, who wins? Obviously Gritty is the fan-favorite but I think Swoop could take him down.

Gritty feels like an overrated Duke team that gets bounced in the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament. For simplicity’s sake, I’m going to leave off Philadelphia Union mascot Phang and list Gritty, Swoop, the Phanatic and Franklin the Dog here. This is my seeding based on how I think fans would bet:

  1. Gritty
  2. Swoop
  3. Phillie Phanatic
  4. Franklin the Dog

Gritty might come in too cocky. He’s too beloved. Franklin, who is highly athletic and mobile if you see him doing dunks and stunts at Sixers games, scraps him to death and pulls out the upset. A literal underdog!

As for Swoop and the Phanatic, this could be a classic. We’re in “Thrilla in Manila” territory. Maybe it’s because he’s been around for so long, but I always imagine that the Phanatic is actually old? Not the guy in the costume (spoilers), but the literal character himself. They celebrate his birthday every season! And it’s not even on the same date! This dude could be 125 years and we don’t even know it!

Swoop is jacked and perpetually in his prime. The Phanatic is too slow, too immobile in his old age, the epitome of an aging prizefighter past his prime. Swoop KOs him. Swoop would need to alert and make sure none of the Galapagos Gang jumps in on him if he’s beating up on the Phanatic too badly.

Franklin’s Cinderella run, however, doesn’t last. Swoop picks him up and breaks his back on his knee like Bane.

Swoop gets a banner to replace the Carson Wentz one that got taken down at the Linc.

@scbaldwin: Outside of the obvious receiving numbers, how big of a drop are we going to see from Zach Ertz to Dallas Goedert and Dick Rod. I’m talking blocking and all the other fundamentals. Figure Hurts is going to need all the protection possible

Hot take: the blocking will actually be better? Zach Ertz has improved as a blocker since he entered the league, but Dallas Goedert is a monster there. He’s been the best blocking tight end on the team when he’s actually healthy and on the field. If he’s playing an increased amount of snaps assuming Ertz is gone before Week 1, it’s an upgrade really.

With Richard Rodgers, he’s not an impressive player, but he’s a veteran presence who isn’t going to have the shoddy fundamentals of a Day 3 rookie.

I would rest your worries here.

@WaldoVince: Which Eagle would be the best cross-sport athlete if the other sport was competitive eating ?

Judging by the way Jason Kelce can chug a beer, my money is on him:

@shaney_b_93: In all these alternative uniform discussions, I haven’t heard anyone bring up the idea of black helmets for the black alternates. How excited would you be about the potential for that? Black helmet, pants, jersey, and make all the dudes go black with the socks and cleats.

Eh, it’d be pretty anticlimactic to see the Birds do that after all the kelly green hootin’ and hollerin’, no?

I like the black jerseys more than most. NFL teams are permitted to wear alternate jerseys up to three times per season. The Eagles only do it twice per year. I’d love for the Eagles to go to four uniforms, which would include the three current looks plus a kelly green alternate set. Wear the kelly green uniforms twice and then do all black when you have a prime time game.

I don’t think I need to see a black helmet though.

@ndutton13: If you could only eat the flesh of one beast for the rest of your life, what beast would you choose? #TeamPig

My first inclination is to say chicken. I adore wings. As a huge pizza guy, buffalo chicken pizza remains in play. I could still order chicken parm the next time I hit a little Italian restaurant in South Philly. Pork is more of a “high ceiling, low floor” thing for me where it’s situational. I could eat chicken or beef every single day. I don’t think I could with pork.

Yeah, I’d miss a nice steak or a grilled burger from a summer BBQ, but the next time I’m crushing a chicken quesadilla, I’m not going to regret it.

Pro tip: next time you’re at your favorite cheesesteak place, try out a chicken cheesesteak. They’re underrated. Get some provolone (or get double cheese and add American too) and fried onions and you’ll be good.

@Ball_ParkFranks: Should the Eagles trade for N’Keal Harry?

I saw this from Fantasy Points’ Joe Dolan and was all in:

I love a nice bust-for-bust challenge trade in sports.

@wizardamphibian: Have you ever shotgunned pickle juice straight from the jar as Jay Ajayi did before his burgeoning eSports career?

Probably not the answer this person was expecting, but I did just that when it was announced earlier this year that Duce Staley would not be returning as an Eagles coach:

Philly still loves you, Duce!

@GoodhartJustin: I’m going to be heading to Giants camp with a die-hard Giants fan friend of mine this summer. What would be proper attire for the occasion?

There are three options for me and they’re all miraculous in their own way:

  1. Herman Edwards jersey (I think Reebok made them when I was a kid? I see a couple on eBay)
  2. Brian Westbrook jersey
  3. DeSean Jackson jersey

@SteveRosenberg: In honor of season 2, best I Think You Should Leave sketch?

Oh, my. I’m sure my list will change as soon as I’m done with it. I did a quick top 10:

  1. The Bones Are Their Money
  2. Has This Ever Happened to You?
  3. Honk If You’re Horny
  4. Garfield House
  5. Laser Spine Specialists
  6. Gift Receipt
  7. Ghost of Christmas Way Future
  8. Magicians Suck!
  9. Fully Loaded Nachos
  10. Babysitter Hit and Run

“Has This Ever Happened to You,” which is the second skit in the first episode of the series, was legitimately the hardest I had ever laughed in my life upon first viewing. I had to pause the show on Netflix after because I couldn’t calm down. “The Bones Are Their Money,” however, has the best replay value. I find something new to love whenever I watch it, but “That’s why I’m so fuckin’ confused” still kills me every single time.

Conner O’Malley might be the best secret weapon in all of comedy. He’s Mariano Rivera coming out of the bullpen. His two appearances, as the guy who’s honking because he’s so horny and as Robbie Star at Superstar Track Records, are legendary.

@vroomrags: If you could fix one NFL rule (or create a new one), what would it be? It could be regarding salary cap, draft, rosters, trades, gameplay… anything!

Maybe the NFL could get its head out of its ass and FINALLY push through the Eagles’ onside kick proposal:

A hyper-specific special teams play, one that’s been made more impossible in recent years with increased rules for player safety is dumb. The 4th and 15 thing just makes sense. That’s football! Imagine someone proposed onside kicks when this other rule was already in place. They would be the biggest joke in all of sports!

Jalen Hurts running around like that and grinding out some 18-yard run would be an emotional rollercoaster. We’d all be running on pure adrenaline while watching.

@SwordsmanofS: If the Eagles’ injury woes continue despite new medical staffs every year and now a whole new coaching staff, what else could be the issue? (other than age, though the Eagles have gotten younger) The facilities maybe?

It’s because they play in Philadelphia, my friend.

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