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Eagles vs. Bengals: 36 winners, losers, and I dunnos

Don’t read this unless you want to be very sad

NFL: Cincinnati Bengals at Philadelphia Eagles Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

The Eagles and the Bengals TIED.


Josh Sweat

Josh Sweat delivered on the chance the coaching staff game him early this season, notching his second start in the young season and immediately returning with a third down, drive-ending sack. Sweat was a pressure monster on late downs for the Eagles, regularly arriving with Eagles’ big money players in Brandon Graham and Fletcher Cox, and while he still wasn’t perfect against the run, you’ll give up a chunk gain or two for that pass rush production. He should continue to hold the starting job over Derek Barnett, though I will believe that only when I see it.


Everyone that has been drafted by the Eagles in the last five years that isn’t Josh Sweat

I’m not even kidding.


  • Carson Wentz: another rough performance. Best throw of his season to Zach Ertz put the Eagles in field goal range for the first time, and I liked what I saw from his scrambling. But his interceptions were terrible decisions, he was regularly inaccurate, and he still has little playmaking ability both in terms of deep passing and in scramble drill opportunities. He doesn’t trust his receivers and probably hates the offense.
  • Isaac Seumalo: out, injured
  • Wendell Smallwood: Steelers practice squad
  • Halapoulivaati Vaitai: playing guard for the Lions, poorly
  • Blake Countess: I don’t even know, not willing to Google
  • Jalen Mills: Had some sacks! But there’s an old adage that you blitz the players you think are bad in coverage, and Mills made no impact cover plays against a team that was ripping them up with slot WR Tyler Boyd.
  • Alex McCalister: out of the league
  • Joe Walker: got promoted to the active roster today in San Francisco, so that’s nice!


  • Derek Barnett: Two sacks is a good stat sheet but, as everyone knows, he beat a tight end on the first one — the DB special. He continues to be a solid player drafted at an elite player’s price
  • Sidney Jones: Did someone pick him up? Someone had to have, right?
  • Rasul Douglas: Taking snaps for Carolina, big ups Sul, hope he prospers elsewhere
  • Mack Hollins: Special-teamer for Miami
  • Donnel Pumphrey: I don’t wanna talk about that
  • Nate Gerry: Bumfuzzled on yet another red zone touchdown pass. How do the Eagles possibly justify keeping him on the field?
  • Elijah Qualls: I think he had a sack for the DC Defenders once


  • Dallas Goedert: Got hurt
  • Avonte Maddox: Got hurt, not playing great beforehand
  • Josh Sweat: See top of post
  • Matt Pryor: Absolute worst play of the game, just unforgivable
  • Jordan Mailata: What if he starts next week? What happens then?


  • Andre Dillard: Got hurt, but that might make our perception better of him than if he were playing!
  • Miles Sanders: Okay he played fine, sorry, I’m doing a bit here.
  • J.J. Arcega-Whitside: LMAOOOOOOOO
  • Shareef Miller: Oh my goodness I forgot about this pick
  • Clayton Thorson: QB Factory pt. 1


  • Jalen Reagor: Got hurt, still figuring out his role
  • Jalen Hurts: Imagine if the Bengals had recovered that fumble. What the people would have done.
  • Davion Taylor: At some point you have to play him just to help him develop, right?
  • K’Von Wallace: At some point you have to play him just to help him develop, right?
  • Jack Driscoll: From Week 1 starter to probably behind Mailata on the depth chart. Suboptimal!
  • John Hightower: He’s also been fine for a fifth-rounder, again, I’m just trying to do a bit here
  • Shaun Bradley: At some point you have to play him just to help him develop, right?
  • Quez Watkins: At some point you have to play—oh wait, he’s on IR, sorry.
  • Prince Tega Wanogho: Practice squad, probably gonna get elevated if he’s healthy enough?
  • Casey Toohill: At some point you have to play him just to help him develop, right?

I Dunnos

Doug Pederson

I don’t know how Doug Pederson is justifying the decision to not even try to win the game, nor do I know how he’s going to retain the locker room’s faith with that decision. I do know that he’s going to heel turn on it tomorrow and say he wished he would have kicked it.

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