Don’t read this, man. Just go get a donut or something.

Winners

The Seattle Seahawks

In every game they’ve played against the Eagles for the last 13 years, which is 56.5% of my life. Not that anyone’s counting.

J.J. Arcega-Whiteside

In that he was on the COVID-19 list for a close contact, you can’t prove that D.K. Metcalf outplayed him. Who knows — Arcega-Whiteside could have also matched his career production in this game!

Derek Barnett

Barnett had a sack, and some nice backfield production in the running game, including the 4th down stop along the goal line. It has felt like a foregone conclusion that the Eagles will cut Barnett before the $10M fifth-year option fully guarantees on the beginning of the next league year. They need the cap relief and he hasn’t been really spectacular for a 14th overall pick. But he remains a solid EDGE2, and with another sack, would be matching his career high from last season of 6.5. If he’s an ascending player, it will be a tough cut for the sake of the Eagles’ accounting books.

D.K. Metcalf

This is the funniest thing I have ever seen.

Doug Pederson

Pederson was far from perfect on Monday Night, but he’s the winner of this week’s “Not The Biggest Problem” Award, and in these dog days of Eagles football, we’ll take what we can get.

Pederson’s influence over personnel decisions remains unmeasured and confusing, so if he’s the primary architect behind Jason Peters’ late move to guard, Alshon Jeffery’s deployment over Travis Fulgham, or Jalen Hurts’ weird two snaps, he deserves blame for that. The Eagles continue to have no idea how to generate any space for their playmakers, and that’s squarely on him.

But for making chicken salad out of chicken poop, as the saying goes, it was a pretty solid day for Pederson. After Wentz was the winner of this award for his play against the Browns last week, Wentz was regularly missing open receivers and freezing after his first read. For the handcuffs that he was forced wear, Pederson did an admirable job.

Losers

The New York Giants

Who are now leading the division, like a bunch of idiots.

Jeffrey Lurie

Well, Lurie clearly wanted to see Jalen Hurts in today’s game, and besides one rather inconsequential snap, he didn’t get to. Lurie’s also a loser — I think for the first time ever — because his team is really bad and he has to make changes. That sucks!

Carson Wentz

He was bad. Been bad this season. Sometimes he’s not as bad, and is even arguably acceptable relative to his context. At other times, he’s definitely bad. This was one of those nights. That’s pretty much all I’ve got to say about that.

No, it’s not. You may not want to bench him, you may believe as a coaching staff that you can get him out of his deep ruts — but at some point, just for his sake, for all of the hits he’s taking and throws he’s missing and media he’s avoiding, you should just give him a break. With every week, he is getting worse, becoming more frustrated, ingraining bad habits. Help him escape himself, if he has any hope of turning things around in 2021.

Jason Peters

Shockingly, a switch over to guard did not make Peters suddenly good at football. Peters is old and ineffectual, and playing a younger guard over him should be an immediate priority.

Alshon Jeffery

Shockingly, a “return to health” has not spelled a sudden resurgence from Alshon Jeffery. Jeffery is old and ineffectual, and playing a younger WR (LIKE TRAVIS FULGHAM) over him should be an immediate priority.

Darius Slay

Slay would be the first player to put himself in this column, saying as such in his postgame availability and even on Twitter.

Slay played better on Metcalf than Eagles corners of the past few years, in that he was actually in the frame when the ball arrived to the receiver. Slay had tight coverage on a few of Metcalf’s catches, as well as a couple of incompletions, and he had loose coverage on a few more. Slay was unable to press Metcalf, and the Eagles did well to get him off the line of scrimmage and play with cushion to protect him from Metcalf’s speed.

Slay’s struggles at the catch point are the biggest concern, as those have shown up this year even before he lined up across from 14. But an accompanying concern is that once Metcalf started beating up on Slay, the Eagles had no alternative. They can’t play zone with their current cadre of linebackers and safeties; they couldn’t put any other cover defender on DK. This is what happens when you neglect multiple positions groups, but shove all your chips on one player and cheer “Look! We fixed cornerback!”

Howie Roseman

I know we’ve sung this song a couple of times this season, but it is objectively hilarious to look at what Roseman’s rookie class has done this season. Reagor has been one of the worst wide receivers drafted in the first two rounds of a stellar WR class. Jalen Hurts had the most buzz he’s ever had in a week of preamble and played two snaps. Davion Taylor took a season-high number of snaps against the Browns, was bad, and was benched tonight. [BLG Note: Did have a nice special teams tackle, though!]

Louis Riddick laid in to Roseman on the broadcast, and rightfully so. There was certainly some self-interest there — Riddick was with the Eagles’ scouting department for six years (2008-2013), including four as their director of pro personnel (2010-2013), and has pretty openly hated Roseman since his firing. Riddick would love to take another spot in a new Philadelphia front office, and just seeing Roseman fired would be a good consolation prize.

But at the end of the day, when the roster lacks talent, it doesn’t matter exactly why the broadcaster is ripping on the general manager. The general manager failed.

I Dunnos

Jim Schwartz

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING MY DUDE

Jalen Hurts

Do you think Hurts dreams about getting drafted by like, the Steelers? Just chilling, hanging out behind Big Ben, playing catch with Ray-Ray McCloud at practice, winning football games, maybe starting in 2022? Or just, you know, the Vikings? Even if it were cold and he were forced to wear purple and hang out with Kirk Cousins, he could just relax on the bench, not worry about which helmet to bring, and maybe start in 2022!

Poor dude. He didn’t ask for this.