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The Hackenscale: A new and exciting way to grade Christian Hackenberg

How Hackenberg was Hackenberg’s first Philadelphia action? Let’s discuss.

NFL: New York Jets at Philadelphia Eagles Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

The Rules

The Hackenscale is a carefully developed (haphazardly thrown together) grading scale for Christian Hackenberg throws (and other plays that I want to include that I find funny). A lot of (no) thought process went into defining the regimented factors (random conditions) that comprise the Hackenscale. I can’t reveal the exact grading determinants behind the Hackenscale, because they are too valuable (don’t exist)

Understanding the Hackenplay of Hackenberg allows us to project his Hackenfuture. While his Hackenfuture with the Eagles may be Hackenbleak, he might have enough natural talent to make the Hackenpractice squad, where he’ll look to Hackendevelop into a serviceable HackeNFL quarterback. Let’s Hackenhope and Hackenpray we eventually see the Hackenday.

Interception #1

This is a classic Hackenplay. It won’t register super high on the Hackenscale, because it’s more so an average encapsulation than a stand-out performance, but we can still appreciate that Hack let us know early how the night was gonna go.

Does Rashard Davis cut-off this route, which helps facilitation the inevitable interception? Yes. Does he cut it off because the corner anticipated the slant and jumped the route? Yeah. Should Hackenberg be reasonably expected to see that and decide not make the throw? Mmhm.

And the fact that a mental error/adjustment by another player led to the interception only adds Hackenpoints on the Hackenscale. As a matter of fact, Unpredictable Unfortunateness is the most important category on the Hackenscale. For all of his struggles, Hackenberg is characterized by the most absurdly unfortunate play.

This play is a 5 out of 8 on the Hackenscale

Interception #2

This is is true Hackenart. A Hackenmasterstroke. It’s Hackenrapturing to watch.

The most important category on the Hackenscale, as we all know, is Ease Of Throw. Clearly, this beauty of a pick almost breaks the charts, in terms of how rudimentary of a throw this is. This throw is so simple, high school Hackenberg also could have missed it for an interception.

Because Hackenberg made the Hackentackle to prevent the Pickensix, this throws almost grades to the max on the most important category on the Hackenscale, Points For The Other Team. It does, however, make up for the lost points in the most important category on the Hackenscale, More Evidence We Should Move Hackenberg To Linebacker.

This play is a A- on the Hackenscale

Getting pulled in the 4th preseason game

Getting Hackenpulled in the 4th preseason game as the QB5 on a Super Bowl winning roster is very Hackenberg. It tests extremely well in the most important category of the Hackenscale, Pathetic Without Precedent. Getting Hackenpulled in the fourth preseason game made me actually excited for Joe Callahan, which should be crime punishable by Hackendeath.

Has a team ever actually gone back UP their quarterback depth chart in the 4th preseason game for a reason other than injury. Has a player ever been too bad for the intentionally worst game in NFL? If you get benched in the fourth preseason game, are you essentially a college player? Or is it just straight to the CFL? What the Hack, man.

Getting pulled in the fourth preseason game is five stars on the Hackenscale

And thus ends the Hackenfest. I can’t find any more clips on Twitter, so two Hackenplays is all you get. Thank you for reading. Please pray I find some value and meaning in my life again soon. Go Birds.

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