The comings and goings of the NFL’s offseason are now completely behind us. Everyone has made all the meaningful roster moves they’re going to make, and that’s put them all in position to win the Super Bowl. Well, nearly all of them.
Key addition: Phil Dawson, who at 42 fits perfectly into the Cardinals offense.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Arizona, home to retirees, got to a Super Bowl with a 37 year old QB before, and now they have one again.
Key addition: The Falcons didn’t really add anyone, which is smart because free agency has so many bad deals. *taps forehead* Can’t get burned if you don’t play with fire!
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: With Kyle Shanahan no longer calling plays, they’ll remember to run the damn ball in the 4th quarter.
Key addition: They signed Danny Woodhead and Brandon Carr, so this team is going places.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Joe Flacco is due for a “is Joe Flacco elite?” season where he isn’t elite (or is he?!?!) but wins the Super Bowl.
addition subtraction: The Bills finally got rid of that pool table that was holding them back.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: As a reward for firing Rex Ryan and finally firing Doug Whaley, the football gods bless the Bills.
Key addition: Christian McCaffrey will greatly help Cam Newton get into position to vulture rushing TDs from him.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Because every other year Ron Rivera has a great season.
Key addition: Mitch “Mitchell” Trubisky. The Bears are going to be terrible but now they’ll be intriguingly terrible!
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: The scouting reports from 2013 the Bears used this offseason all pan out.
Key addition: lol the Bengals never add anyone, that would require paying them
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Marvin Lewis takes over Tom Coughlin’s mantle of coach who probably should be fired but will miraculously win a Super Bowl in a fluke.
Key addition: DeShone Kizer. Sure, they could have had any QB they wanted in this draft, and they took him 52nd overall. Good luck!
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: They won’t.
Key addition: Jaylon Smith, who is like An Extra First Round Pick™
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Have you not seen how 2017 is going so far?
Key addition: Garett Bolles. Veteran teams win titles, so they just went ahead and drafted a 32 year old.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Paxton Lynch will start at QB, instantly improving the offense by virtue of not being Trevor Siemian.
Key addition: They hired George Godsey, who called plays for Brock Osweiler last year, to help coach their defense. That guys knows something about making QBs look bad.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Jim Caldwell nearly won it in 2009, so anything is possible.
Green Bay Packers
Key addition: Martellus Bennett. The Packers actually signed a free agent!
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Aaron Rodgers once again spends the entire season overcoming Mike McCarthy.
Key addition: Sweet, wonderful cap space gained from the Brock Osweiler trade.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: QB Guru Bill O’Brien will finally, this time, somehow, get it right at QB.
Key addition: Johnathan Hankins, who unlike most recent Colts free agent signings, can actually play.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Because Ryan Grigson is no longer holding them back.
Kansas City Chiefs
Key addition: A key to success is consistency, which is why the Chiefs replaced Jamaal Charles (14 touches in 2016) with CJ Spiller (19 touches in 2016).
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Alex Smith will lose his starting job.
Los Angeles Chargers
Key addition: Moving to Los Angeles, finally the Chargers are in a football town!
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Philip Rivers seals his claim as the best player in San Diego’s history by winning it all in Los Angeles.
Los Angeles Rams
Key addition: The Rams hired Sean McVay, who as Redskins offensive coordinator made Kirk Cousins look like a real NFL player. Imagine what he can do with Jared Goff!
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Freed from the shackles of Jeff Fisher, the trio of Jared Goff, Todd Gurley, and Tavon Austin play up to their potential.
Key addition: Julius Thomas, who once again won’t have the season everyone expects from him since he left Peyton Manning.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Rising star Adam Gase cements himself as a top tier coach by getting a good season out of Ryan Tannehill.
Key addition: Dalvin Cook is the perfect fit for the Pat Shurmur/Sam Bradford checkdown offense.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: After seven years and 78 starts, Sam Bradford finally plays like the QB he’s been paid to be.
New England Patriots
Key addition: Rex Burkhead. Sure, the Patriots just won the Super Bowl, but it isn’t the same without a short white running back getting 10 touches a game for some reason.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Because the world isn’t fair.
New Orleans Saints
Key addition: Adrian Peterson. He’s going to set up so many opportunities for John Kuhn to score.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Because not even Jeff Fisher went 7-9 four seasons in a row.
New York Giants
Key addition: Brandon Marshall. Finally the Giants get a name WR that they don’t hate.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Ben McAdoo finally finishes the maze on his play calling chart and is able to focus on leading the Giants to the Lombardi Trophy.
New York Jets
Key addition: The Jets drafted two safeties, which will cure all their ills.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: There’s absolutely no reason to believe they’ll win more than three games.
Key addition: Marshawn Lynch. The Raiders were fun on the field, but they’re not really the Raiders unless they’re also fun off the field.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Because winning a Super Bowl just prior to relocating is the screw you to fans that is befitting the NFL.
Key addition: Alshon Jeffery, who could single handedly gain more yards in 2017 than all of the Eagles WRs did in 2016 (1,839).
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Just saying, the last time the Eagles added a stud WR they got to a Super Bowl.
Key non-subtraction: Ben Roethlisberger hasn’t retired yet!
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Everyone on offense stays drug free and healthy. Mostly drug free.
San Francisco 49ers
Key addition: The 49ers added several players this year who can actually play football.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Maybe in Madden.
Key addition: Some undrafted free agent they signed will win Rookie of the Year.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Extremely angry Richard Sherman inspires the defense to play another level, and Russell Wilson stops having sex.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Key addition: The Bucs fixed their biggest problem from last year by signing Nick Folk.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: A fantasy football offense nearly won the Super Bowl for the Falcons, so why not the Bucs?
Key addition: Two actual first round picks.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: They ride the second easiest strength of schedule to the Super Bowl, then win it when the other team’s coach blows it.
Key addition: The Redskins formally gave Bruce Allen the power he always had, restoring the normal chaos in DC.
Why they’ll win the Super Bowl: Kirk Cousins’ parting gift before signing in San Francisco for $40 million a year is a fluke Super Bowl win.