NFL Mock Draft 2017: Malik Hooker falls to the Los Angeles Chargers

Malik Hooker, S, Ohio State

May 16^th

It's been nearly a month since the L.A. Incident... I'm still coping with the horrors that I saw there, the hate, the violence... I guess I can be thankful that I'm a nobody. After initially being dragged out with the others and taking a few licks, I just had to play dead and the crowd moved right past me. I was able to sneak away from the mob and ultimately found myself at LAX. I had only my phone and wallet with me, my camera lost in the madness. I need to lay low for a while, so I'm taking the cheapest flight I can find out of this city. F*** L.A., I hope I never see you again.

July 7^th

I've been living in San Ysidro for almost two months now. Life at the border is pretty mediocre. You've got your typical fast food joints for food. The hotels aren't well kept, but they're passable. Nothing really special happens here, the best thing to do is to sit at the Greyhound station watching for any interesting to happen at Border Control. And EVERYBODY is a San Diego Chargers fan. In other words, it's perfect for a man of my tastes.

October 23^rd

Happy birthday to me... The Chargers just pulled off a massive upset of a good Falcons team, and I compromised my location celebrating at Jack-In-The-Box. I've hitchhiked my way to Chula Vista, but I'm worried that any day now someone will be knocking on my hotel door, whisking me away to whatever city is looking for me to magically help fix their pathetic football team. I don't even know how I got this reputation, since most of my picks have been absolutely brutal. I didn't want to have to make this choice, but the only way to take myself off the market is to join a team on my own accord. I hate locking myself in like this, but hey, San Diego has been consistently mediocre under the McCoy reign, right? What's the worst that could happen?

December 25^th

Motherf*****. The Browns. THE BROWNS! This isn't mediocrity, it's just plain old SUCKAGE. The offensive line is in shambles, more so than usual! The defense is pretty much non-existent at this point, no linebacker play, no secondary player worth a damn, and the only pass rusher being a guy who didn't start PRACTICING until a week before the season. Literally EVERY position on this team could use an upgrade or a future project, since their best players are either hurt or they're on the wrong side of 30. On the bright side of things, at least San Diego is a decent enough city.

January 12^th

NO.

February 8^th

I've tried everything. I've tried to run, fake my own death, I've hypnotized Mark Davis to move the Raiders to L.A. to block the Chargers move, all to no avail. I can't go back to L.A. They'd recognize me, hunt me down, terrorize me. So what if I gave them a better quarterback than Jared Goff? They don't care. They associate me with Snead, with Kroenke, with Fisher, and they'll finish me like they finished them. I've tried make contact with BGN, but Brandon is still AWOL. I've turned to Mike in JAX, but to no avail.

February 30^th

Brandon's back, thank GOD. After this selection process is over, I'll have to pull what few strings I have left to get him to get me back to Philadelphia. Until then, I guess I should follow the prospects for this year's draft...

Assuming Garrett and Thomas are off the board, the next best talent in this draft has to be in the secondary. There's nothing on the team right now at those spots that's worth anything anymore, not since Weddle left... Smart guy, getting out ahead of the train wreck.

So we have a trio of prospects at safety and corner to look at. Lattimore and Hooker are fantastic players with health concerns, so I'd put them just behind my top guy, Jamal Adams. God knows this team needs a disruptive safety. If I had to choose between the other two, I'd put the clear best corner in the deepest draft EVER for corners first, and the OTHER shut down safety right behind him.

Still, I need two others to fill out that big board... I'm worried about Jonathan Allen's shoulder, but he's a good emergency pick here. Finally, I'd use Foster and my red alert pick. Don't want the draft board to dry up like that, but if it does I'm prepared...

March 1^st

Wait, February 30^th? Why did I write that? Yet, it doesn't feel like I've lost track of time... It's the 1^st, and last week was the 24^th. But that's not possible... Something is very wrong here.

March 13th

I have to warn Brandon. I have to tell him that THAT IS NOT NICK FOLES. I saw Nick Foles strung up, drawn and cornered right in front of me a year ago, HE CANNOT BE IN PHILADELPHIA NOW. Whatever creature that is, it has dastardly plans for the city of Philadelphia, and I have to get Brandon to stop it before it's too late!

March 27^th

Everything is topsy turvy. San Diego is now on the border with Canada, a kicker is in the Hall of Fame and not Terrell Owens, and my dormant mind control cues for Mark Davis somehow sent his team to f***ing Las Vegas! Space is warped, and time is apparently bendable! The fabric of reality is coming apart, and I don't know how to stop it. The Foles-monster has leveled Philly, the Atlantic Ocean is a desert, and the Chargers are still in Los Angeles for some reason! Мова ўяўляе сабой канструкцыю, en al die woorde in questa frase 意思相同 a h-uile duine, אַפֿילו ווען mówił inaczej. This is probably all President Stein's fault!

APRIL 5^TH

According to all known laws

of football,

there is no way the Chargers

should be in Los Angeles.

Its fanbase is too far to get

its fat little body in the seats.

The Chargers, of course, are in f***ing Los Angeles anyway

because the Chargers don't care

what their fans think is best.

Yellow, powder blue. Yellow, powder blue.

Yellow, powder blue. Yellow, powder blue.

Ooh, navy blue and white!

Let's shake it up a little.

Dean! Goodell is ready!

Coming!

Hang on a second.

Hello?

- Dean?

- Mark?

- Can you believe this is happening?

- I can't. I'll pick you up.

Looking sharp.

Use the soccer stadium. Your 20,000 fans

paid good money for those.

Sorry. I'm excited.

Here's the mover.

We're very proud of you, son.

A perfect report card, all Bolts.

Very proud.

April 6^th

I awoke to a world normalized in chaos. Nothing seems wrong, yet I know it's not right. I'm in Philadelphia, the clock is running low. I realize this world is unfair, but I must learn to tip this unfairness to my benefit. I look at the board again, and I realize I am the one on the clock. Lattimore is a Jet, and Adams was eaten by an eldritch abomination. I slowly walk to the podium, and I select a mainstay leader of my secondary for the next decade to come. I can only pray more help arrives later in the draft, without being devoured by the shadows that haunt the streets.

"We woke up one morning and fell a little further down

For sure it's the valley of death

I open up my wallet

And it's full of blood."

-"Dead Flag Blues" by Godspeed You! Black Emperor

2017 BGN Mock Draft Order

1) Browns (JALupowitz): Myles Garrett, DE, Texas A&M
2) 49ers (sports00fan00): Solomon Thomas, DE, Stanford
3) Bears (gubby): Jonathan Allen, DT, Alabama
4) Jaguars (TheWhalwing): Leonard Fournette, RB, LSU
5) Titans (drc242): Jamal Adams, S, LSU
6) Jets (boomorbust): Marshon Lattimore, CB, Ohio State
7) Chargers (NowWhat?): Malik Hooker, S, Ohio State
8) Panthers (B-Potts):
9) Bengals (Kiko’s Delivery Service):
10) Bills (jimmyrustler):
11) Saints (NotSoSlick):
12) Browns (Straight Edge Sid):
13) Cardinals (Paulie97):
14) Eagles (ablesser88):
15) Colts (mconner96):
16) Ravens (The Man, The Myth, the Matthews!):
17) Washington (kbruneault):
18) Titans (mchiodo):
19) Buccaneers (ei78):
20) Broncos (NVEaglesShark):
21) Lions (Shark Fighter):
22) Dolphins (J. Wil):
23) Giants (BigWardy59):
24) Raiders (big DUB):
25) Texans (GotFunds):
26) Seahawks (Rogmcc23):
27) Chiefs (B1G Cat):
28) Cowboys (RegalEagle):
29) Packers (Wutang_):
30) Steelers (General_Lee12): 
31) Falcons (SirJon):
32) Saints (Huffs_cellmate):