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7 pretty bad Eagles-themed Valentine’s Day gifts for your sweetheart

Do not buy these.

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Valentine’s Day is on Tuesday. You’ve got the entire weekend to do your shopping for this not-optional Hallmark Holiday, and if you’re like me, you literally only think about your relationships in terms of how many Eagles-branded items you’ve bought that person. Which means my relationships are freaking awesome.

However, there are some truly miserable items out there just waiting to pounce and steal your hard-earned bitcoins. So I’ve compiled a warning list of sorts, of things you might want to avoid at the mall or online as you put together the perfect package of gifts that says, “I love you a lot, but I’ll love you a little more after the Eagles cut Leodis McKelvin.”

Philadelphia Eagles Landscape Melodies Bluetooth Speaker

Look at this thing. Look at the handcrafted (nope) plastic molding. Note how the speaker on this thing looks like one end of a landline from 1996.

The sound quality on this thing has to be equivalent to that of string and two paper cups. I am not saying this from first-hand experience, but you know there is literally no way I’m wrong.

This was actually under the NFL Shop’s Valentine’s Day section, too. What here says “Happy Valentine’s Day”?

Hey, yeah, instead of taking you to dinner in Philly’s burgeoning restaurant scene, I spent $140 on a bluetooth speaker that was probably built in 25 seconds and sounds like Andy Reid’s first headset!

NFL Team Beans Team Gnome - Eagles

Here we have a delightful garden gnome. Everyone likes a garden gnome, right? He’s got a wooden staff, a football, and with...

...why is it blue?

Why is this gnome blue?

The Eagles are not blue. They were only blue a long, long time ago, and that was a different shade of blue. This color shown here is decidedly blue.

Why is it blue?

If it makes you feel any better, this Eagles gnome is more expensive than the Seahawks’, 49ers’, and Cardinals’ gnomes. However, it is somehow cheaper than the Rams’ gnome.

It is, however, also the only gnome I found with the absolute wrong color. Like, not even close.

THE EAGLES AREN’T BLUE.

NFL Philadelphia Eagles NFL Generation 2 Series 2 Nick Foles Minifigure

I kid you not, I found this by Googling “Philadelphia Eagles Valentine’s Day gifts.”

Please, whatever you do, don’t buy your significant other, or your child, or your mother, or anyone in the history of the universe a knock-off LEGO version of Nick Foles.

Why this is even for sale anymore is beyond me. And how it hasn’t at least been marked down to 99 cents is equally so. Who would pay eight dollars for this? How could you possibly think that’s a good investment in the year 2017?

The box says Series 2, which makes me think this isn’t the 27-2 version, but rather the version where he backpedals for 126 yards and then throws it to the wrong team. That’s probably why the packaging also says it’s only intended for children six years or older. Interceptions are choking hazards.

Picnic Time Roadside Emergency Kit - Philadelphia Eagles

“Oh, darn. Car won’t start. Think you could give me a jump?”

“Yeah, definitely. You have cables?”

“Yep, let me just go grab them out of my EAGLES EMERGENCY KIT, WHICH MAKES SENSE BECAUSE THE EAGLES TOTALLY MAKE CARS.”

“Do they?”

“No. I don’t know why I bought this.”

Officially Licensed NFL Team Facemask Sunglasses by Rico - Eagles

WHAT IS THIS?! WHO WOULD WEAR THIS?!

WHY?!?

Philadelphia Eagles Bug Heirloom Porcelain Music Box

I must admit, I’ve come around to this strange bug music box thing we’ve got here from Bradford Exchange, whatever that is. At first I couldn’t possibly imagine who would want this thing. Why is a bug holding a football and rooting for the Eagles? Wouldn’t most bugs hate the Eagles, because they associate the team with actual eagles? Bugs and birds aren’t exactly best friends. You’re not making too much sense there, Bradford Exchange.

But it’s kind of cute. Look at those stupid little eyes. Look at its Eagles flag. Look how innocent. This little bug probably thinks next year is going to be the year Zach Ertz breaks out.

Still, this gift from Bradford Exchange comes up... short of the sticks.

NFL Philadelphia Eagles "Anthem" Window Curtain Panels

And, finally, we bring this post to a close with... curtains.

(I love my own jokes.)

I don’t necessarily hate the design on these curtains. I just can’t imagine where you’d hang them.

Are these bathroom curtains? That’s literally the only place I could imagine using these and not being ridiculed by the entire neighborhood, and also your children, and also the pizza delivery guy.

Like, these just aren’t curtains that should be hung up by an adult in an adult’s household.

I’m turning 23 years old in May and I’m moving to a new place in June. If I ever hang curtains as tacky as these in my apartment, please do the right thing and smack me in the head. We’ll all be better off.