New Year’s resolutions for the NFC East

2017 needs to mercilessly come to an end, and the NFL is giving it the send off it deserves with games that nobody wants to watch. The Week 17 slate is so bad they gave up on having a Sunday Night Football game. NBC will probably air some reruns of a show that takes place in Chicago instead. So as we say goodbye to 2017 and hello to 2018, let’s take a look at some New Year’s resolutions that the NFC East should be making.

Philadelphia Eagles (13-2)

Last Week: Scored more points than Raiders and won 19-10.

This Week: Host the Cowboys in a completely meaningless game for the second year in a row.

New Year’s Resolution:

Harvest ligaments (and while they’re at it, might as well take some organs) and add backup ACLs, MCLs, Achilles, hamstrings, and anything else they can think of to all their players so when they tear one, there’s one in reserve. Hell, pile three or four on there. We already know that people would willingly and permanently give up their leg for Carson Wentz, so what’s a few body parts difference going to make?

Parts: The Clonus Horror, Part II: The 2018 Eagles.

Dallas Cowboys (8-7)

Last Week: Hosted the Seahawks, who are good, and lost, because the Cowboys are 1-5 against teams with a winning record.

This Week: Jason Garret tries to avoid his 4th 8-8 season in 7 full seasons as a coach, against the Eagles, who are good but played bad and will likely rest some key players, so it’s anyone’s guess.

New Year’s Resolution:

Get some good players. This is getting exhausting, it’s the same thing every season: the Cowboys not only have no depth, they don’t even have quality in the starting lineup. Their defense is the same as it ever was: wholly dependent on brittle Sean Lee. DeMarcus Lawrence, their only other good player on defense and 2nd in the league is sacks, is a free agent to be. Dallas is going to have to pay a fortune for a guy who had 10.5 sacks in his first 8 games and just 4 in his last 7. Their offensive line, once the foundation of the team, is nothing special, and they’d be better off without Dez Bryant and without Jason Witten’s 8.9 yards per catch, and the offense is nothing without Ezekiel Elliott.

And get Dak Prescott a dietitian.

Washington Redskins (7-8)

Last Week: Beat the Broncos 27-11. *golf clap*

This Week: Visit the Giants, does anyone care?

New Year’s Resolution:

Either clean house again, or hold steady.

Kenneth Cousins, despite horrible fashion sense, has shown that going from one of the best sets of WRs to one of the worst hasn’t hurt him, as his efficiency has actually slightly increased. He’s a good QB. The Redskins defense, now coached by a competent Greg Manusky rather than the out of his depth Joe Barry, has improved, 13th in DVOA after ending last season 25th. In a rebuilding season, a (likely) 8-8 record is highly respectable. The Redskins might have something going here.

Or, they could blow it up. They already have a vacancy at GM. As good as a 7-9 or 8-8 record is on a team that turned over a good chunk of it’s offense and replaced a defensive coordinator is on paper, the fact remains that the Redskins are 2-6 against winning teams, those two wins were by a combined 10 points (the similar situation 2016 Eagles beat 3 playoff teams by a combined 54 points), and their only win(s?) in the division came against the Giants. “Kirk” Daniel Cousins will be a free agent and he’s going to cost about 85% of the salary cap to keep. With a good group of young players already on the roster and roughly 38 QBs that could go in the 1st round of the draft, there’s a solid foundation for a new quarterback to walk into. And Dan Snyder can’t help himself.

Either option can work. So the likely path the Redskins will take is somewhere in the middle. Godspeed.

New York Giants (2-13)

Last Week: Had perhaps their most consistent game of the season as they allowed the Cardinals to score once in every quarter and didn’t score points of their own in any quarter, losing 23-0.

This Week: Host the Redskins in front of about 8 people that aren’t friends and family of players and coaches.

New Year’s Resolution:

Find a hardass coach who will instill some discipline in players. No, Tom Coughlin is not coming back, though if they asked him nicely, he might. Or maybe just get some players that are liked by their coaches and teammates. Eli Apple has been suspended for “a pattern of behavior that is conduct detrimental to the team.” Ouch. He’s the third member of the secondary to be suspended this season, along with Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and Janoris Jenkins. There will be no sympathy for Apple from his teammates:

They might not have to worry about Apple much longer: apparently he has a clause in his contract that would void his guaranteed money, meaning the Giants could cut him with no salary cap repercussions.

Still need a coach though.

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