Recently USA Today listed their choices for the most embarrassing jersey to own for each team. It’s hard to argue with the choices, especially in the NFC East.
Nnamdi Asomugha is certainly a terrible Eagles jersey to have today. When the Eagles signed him though purchasing his likeness made a lot of sense. He was seen as the 2nd best corner in the league behind Darrelle Revis, and for some, the gap was pretty close. Additionally, the Cowboys thought they had him signed, so owning one was another way to rub it in on your Cowboys fan father-in-law.
Until the games were played. Asomugha turned out to be the poster boy for The Dream Team: overpaid, overrated and unrootable.
Wearing one now is a sign of highly questionable character. So are these.
He not only stunk, but he was a malcontent who thought he deserved more playing time while sucking. Burn his jersey if you own it. Burn any documentation of you having bought the jersey. Get it off the grid.
Death of a Sports Authority pic.twitter.com/LGXaouqh5x— Chad Markulics (@Chad_BSD) May 22, 2016
I was at the season opener in Atlanta and to my eye the most popular jerseys were Murray and Bradford. Ouch.There was easily thousands of dollars worth of jerseys spent on a guy who isn’t on the team anymore another guy who won’t be on it for much longer. If you’re careful you can upgrade your Sam Bradford jersey by unstitching his name and putting in a Vick name plate.
This might be the most embarrassing jersey to own. If someone owns a Riley Cooper jersey, they bought it during one of two time periods: before his racist comments, or after. If someone bought his jersey after his racist comments, that person has objectively terrible morals. Even worse though was the person who bought it before Cooper revealed himself to be an unrootable moron. That means they bought the jersey of a 5th WR whose most memorable moment was dropping a TD in the playoffs.
If you or a loved one still own a Riley Cooper jersey, please seek help from a professional mental health expert.
Jason Babin cared about one thing and one thing only, his sack total. Which gave him about 25 good plays a season between his sacks and pressures, and gave him about 1000 plays a season where he was completely useless because teams did things like block him, get the ball out before he could do anything or even easier, they ran the ball at him for big gains.
If you see anyone wearing a Babin jersey publicly mock them then kidnap them and get them a really bad arm tattoo to match.
Attention to detail can set a lot of things apart. A really good example is Bradley Coopers’ mom in Silver Lining’s Playbook. Played by Jacki Weaver in an Oscar-nominated performance, she proudly wears a Kevin Kolb jersey in multiple scenes. She perfectly captured that relative who is both mildly embarrassing and yet to nice to not love, so you just let them do things like wear a Kevin Kolb jersey or enable a gambling ring in their living room.
@Southern_Philly went to training camp a while ago and someone had a red non-contact Kevin Kolb jersey. like. why. how— NOTED LIGHTNING FAN (@Kurt_BSH) May 23, 2016
You’re probably thinking "who the hell owns an Eagles Tebow jersey?"
The answer is a lot of people.
Yep, that's Tim Tebow at No. 15. The Eagles' fourth string quarterback has been out of the league for two years and might not even make the roster, but his jerseys are already selling like hotcakes.
If you own a Tebow Eagles jersey, wear it. Wear it often. Wear it with pride. Let everyone know immediately that you make bad decisions so that you can never let them down. Complete the look with jean shorts and socks with sandals.
Speaking of Tebow...
College jersey of a bad NFL player
@Southern_Philly tebow florida jersey— Jack (@jlamb223) May 23, 2016
@Southern_Philly It was at that Green Bay preseason game this season though lol.— Jack (@jlamb223) May 23, 2016
@Southern_Philly Mark Sanchez USC jersey.— Noah Becker (@Noah_Becker) May 23, 2016
It’s fine to be a fan of a player who isn’t good in the NFL but was in college. Tim Tebow was an all time great player in college, Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush won titles and trophies, there’s nothing wrong with being a fan of a college player. But when that player stinks in the NFL, you don’t look cool wearing his college jersey to an NFL game, you look like you don’t know this guy stinks. Don’t be that guy. If you’re going to wear it, wear it on Saturdays.
The personalized jersey
Do you own a personalized jersey? Are you over the age of 13? If you answered yes to both of these, then take a moment to reflect upon your life. Customized jerseys on kids are fine but on adults they make you look like you are trying to live vicariously through yourself. Surely you considered the ridiculousness of this when picking a number for it. "Yeah I want 69 bro." Great, you have the jersey number of a guard. No one roots for guards. "I was born on the 17th so I’m going with 17." Congratulations you’re now a gunner who plays three series on offense a year, all in blowouts. "5 is my favorite number." Well, that one is retired, you can’t have it. Worse yet is when you have the number of a really good player but it’s your name, so someone sees you from the front and compliments you on your jersey because they think you are rocking Brian Westbrook, then they see the back has your dumb name and now they are angry at you for being a fraud.
The customized jersey for a player who never played for the team
Even worse than putting your name and number on a jersey is putting the name and number of an actual player who has never played for the team.
@Southern_Philly not at a game, but at a draft party last year someone had ordered an authentic Mariota Eagles jersey— John Shaw (@chainshaw511) May 23, 2016
Custom Mariota Eagles jersey https://t.co/Z9iAfbRh3S— Carson Wentz (@eagles_world123) May 23, 2016
Ever had someone try to sell you a stereo out the back of their car in a supermarket parking lot? Wearing a jersey for a player who never played makes you a magnet for people like that.
The bad knock off jersey
Jerseys are expensive and a lot of people can't really afford to spend $100 on something they're only going to wear a handful of times a year. An alternative that some take is to get a cheap knock off, but despite the low lost it comes at a price: it's cheaply made. Whether it be that the green isn't right, or the font is wrong, or the size of the numbers is incorrect, there are some bad knock off jerseys out there, and their total lack of quality is obvious. If you get one of these just eat the money and throw it out. You just look like a cheap fool. Go with the shirsey, it's a third of the price of a jersey and you can get extra mileage out of it wearing it around the house year round.
The third party jersey
You're going to a game that does not have your favorite team. It’s probably because you live out of market. What do you do? I know the feeling. I live in Atlanta and my wife is a Steelers fan (gentle readers please note that she is not a Penguins fan) and so when the Steelers came to town we went. I neither own nor want to own any Falcons or Steelers gear. So did I wear Eagles gear instead? Of course not, because I don’t want people looking at me thinking "look at this freaking moron, he doesn’t even know what game he’s at." And neither should you. If you go to a game, don’t wear the jersey of a team that isn’t playing. Unless your friend is a Vikings fan you probably have a shirt with a color of the team they root for, just wear that or a neutral color such as gray. Otherwise, you’ll stand out for all to mock you.