1 New England Patriots (last week: 1)
Every three weeks Bill Belichick is going to remove a player from his roster just for fun.
2 Cowboys (last week: 3)
The Cowboys didn’t look like the 2nd best team in the league on Sunday... but six straight wins is six straight wins. If not them, then who?
3 Chiefs (last week: 5)
Alex Smith didn’t have a concussion, then he did, but then it turns out he didn’t. So Nick Foles played. And people wonder why TV ratings are down.
4 Broncos (last week: 6)
Trevor Siemian is going to be the worst QB to win the Super Bowl since Peyton Manning.
5 Falcons (last week: 7)
Matt Ryan will be given the MVP Award before the Super Bowl, three weeks after losing by two touchdowns in the playoffs.
6 Raiders (last week: 10)
Derek Carr is on pace to have 646 passing attempts, which would be 16th most all time. He’s only 5th in the league in passing yards.
7 Seahawks (last week: 2)
The Seahawks season is best summed up by their last three games: beat the Falcons, tied the Cardinals, lost to the Saints. Playing to the level of their competition.
8 Vikings (last week: 4)
“The Eagles laid the blueprint for beating the Vikings.” The Vikings having a sieve at offensive line and Sam Bradford being Sam Bradford isn’t a blueprint, it’s reality.
9 Eagles (last week: 8)
Imagine how good this team would be if Carson Wentz had a weapon to throw to and Doug Pederson let him.
10 Steelers (last week: 13)
Ben Roethlisberger returns from injury just in time to inexplicably throw two interceptions against the Ravens.
11 Redskins (last week: 12)
Jay Gruden was not aware that there could be a tie. THERE WAS A TIE LAST WEEK! Coach of the Year.
12 Cardinals (last week: 9)
The Fraud version of the Cardinals showed up: they gave up no touchdowns to Cam Newton and lost. Next week, 21 point win?
13 Giants (last week: 16)
Great week for the Giants, who didn’t play and moved into 2nd place. Just take the rest of the season off!
14 Texans (last week: 19)
In the land of the blind that is the AFC South, the one eyed Texans are king. Of pain.
15 Saints (last week: 22)
The Saints are turning it around just enough for them to think they’re on to something. They aren’t.
16 Bills (last week: 11)
A dildo was thrown on the field. There’s your NFL Films season recap.
17 Bengals (last week: 17)
Marvin Lewis has been coaching for 14 years and has only 3 ties, which seems really low.
18 Lions (last week: 14)
Detroit is going to be the most exciting 8-8 team you’ve ever seen.
19 Packers (last week: 15)
Maybe the Packers would have beat the Falcons if their leading rusher was actually a running back and not Aaron Rodgers.
20 Chargers (last week: 18)
Normally no shame in losing to the Broncos, but when the only touchdown Trevor Siemian throws is to you, there’s shame in losing that game.
21 Dolphins (last week: 21)
The Dolphins are so bad they caused Arian Foster to up and quit.
22 Jets (last week: 24)
Congratulations Ryan Fitzpatrick, you didn’t throw an interception! Then again, you played against the Browns.
23 Colts (last week: 20)
Indianapolis plays Green Bay this week then they’re on their bye, so expect someone to get fired soon.
24 Chicago Bears (last week: 28)
Remember when people thought the Bears were better off with Brian Hoyer? LOL. They should still trade Cutler in the offseason and blow it up though.
25 Panthers (last week: 29)
Despite beating the Cardinals, the Panthers season is essentially over. If Cam Newton doesn’t get the calls he deserves, he should sit out in protest. It’s in the team’s long term best interest.
26 Ravens (last week: 25)
The Ravens return from their bye to play the Steelers, who also return from their bye. Great job schedulers.
27 Titans (last week: 27)
You probably didn’t watch the game so in case you missed it the Titans did not lose to the Jaguars! Andre Johnson goes out on a win!
28 Buccaneers (last week: 23)
The Bucs were so afraid of losing Dirk Koetter, who wasn’t going anywhere anyway, and having to bring in a new play caller for Jameis Winston that they canned Lovie Smith and made Koetter head coach. Winston has regressed this season.
29 Rams (last week: 28)
What do you think Jeff Fisher did on his bye week? I bet he spent two days shopping for new sunglasses.
30 Jaguars (last week: 26)
The Jaguars defense is awful, so of course Gus Bradley fired his offensive coordinator. Really like what he’s building down there!
31 49ers (last week: 31)
Since Week 1 the 49ers have the worst point differential in the league, and it’s not even close.
32 Browns (last week: 32)
The point of tanking is to be able to draft a player worth tanking for. This draft doesn’t have one.