With the exception of the Eagles and the Packers, who were on byes, we are through the first quarter of the 2016 season and we can really begin to make some judgments.
1 Denver Broncos (last week: 2)
Different week, same result. The Broncos defense dominated and the offense got the job done. This is getting kind of boring.
2 Minnesota Vikings (last week: 3)
The Vikings absurd 10:1 turnover ratio and their six offensive touchdowns in four games are not sustainable over the course of a season, but speaking of absurd the Vikings defensive line is a damn wrecking ball.
3 Philadelphia Eagles (last week: 7)
Even though they didn’t play this week, there’s a very strong case to be made for the Eagles being the best team in the NFL right now. In all of their wins, the Eagles were comfortably leading in the 4th quarter and closed out with double digit leads. That can’t be said about the Broncos or Vikings.
4 Seattle Seahawks (last week: 5)
300 yards and 3 TDs for a supposedly hobbled Russell Wilson. Maybe that water he sells actually has healing powers. (It doesn’t.)
5 Green Bay Packers (last week: 6)
No game, no loss. Nothing to see here.
6 Pittsburgh Steelers (last week: 9)
The Steelers blew out the Chiefs and almost, almost, made up the point differential they gave up in their loss to the Eagles.
7 New England Patriots (last week: 1)
It’s hard to dock a team for losing when they are playing their injured 3rd string QB. But losing to the Bills at home? That’s just embarrassing.
8 Oakland Raiders (last week: 13)
Three wins, two of them by one point. That can’t keep happening, or in the small sample size that is the NFL, they’ll go 5-0 in one point games and then get blown out in the playoffs.
9 Atlanta Falcons (last week: 15)
The Falcons offense is leading the team to a hot start. What is this, 2015?
10 Houston Texans (last week: 12)
Brock Osweiler has more interceptions in four games this year (6) than he did in seven starts last year (5). And yet they’re far and away the best team in the AFC South.
11 Cincinnati Bengals (last week: 16)
The Bengals scored fewer points against the Dolphins than the Browns did last week. Ouch.
12 Kansas City Chiefs (last week: 4)
The blowout loss to the Steelers is one of those games you just burn the tape of and move on, except the Chiefs are on their bye so that ass kicking is going to stew for a while.
13 Baltimore Ravens (last week: 8)
The Ravens only lost to the Raiders by a point, but they spent all but 1:14 of game time trailing, because they’re not a good team.
14 Carolina Panthers (last week: 10)
This team looks cooked. The secondary is a disaster and Cam Newton is not going to survive the season at this rate.
15 Arizona Cardinals (last week: 11)
The Cardinals might not be frauds. It might just be that Carson Palmer is suddenly bad.
16 Buffalo Bills (last week: 22)
Rex Ryan won his Super Bowl. Consider taking the Rams to beat them next week.
17 Dallas Cowboys (last week: 19)
In the first half, Blaine Gabbert looked sharp against the Cowboys defense. In the second half, the Cowboys scored just 10 points against a defense that couldn’t stop anything.
18 Los Angeles Rams (last week: 20)
Jeff Fisher is going to go 5-1 in the division and still have a losing record.
19 Washington Redskins (last week: 21)
Yeah, but it was the Browns.
20 New York Giants (last week: 18)
The Giants tried to buy a new defense this year. They are last in sacks and they are the only team without an interception.
21 New York Jets (last week: 14)
Ryan Fitzpatrick only threw 3 interceptions this week. But he tried. Boy did he try.
22 New Orleans Saints (last week: 27)
If you combined the Chargers and Saints team you’d get the Saints: hell of an offense but no defense.
23 Jacksonville Jaguars (last week: 29)
Gus Bradley is 9-18 at home. 7-16 if you only count Jacksonville as home.
24 Chicago Bears (last week: 31)
Brian Hoyer to Eddie Royal, try to keep yourself calm.
25 San Diego Chargers (last week: 24)
If you combined the Chargers and Saints team you’d also get the Chargers: hell of an offense but no defense.
26 Indianapolis Colts (last week: 17)
Fire everyone but Andrew Luck and T.Y. Hilton into the sun and start this team all over.
27 Detroit Lions (last week: 25)
The Lions have a 4 to 1 turnover ratio, which is pretty impressive until you realize it’s that they have made four turnovers and gotten only one.
28 Miami Dolphins (last week: 23)
“QB guru” Adam Gase is getting the worst non-rookie season out of the always promising but never delivering Ryan Tannehill.
29 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (last week: 26)
I didn’t catch the end of the game after the weather delay but I assume it was played in an empty stadium because no one should stick around to see this team play. They shouldn’t even show up in the first place.
30 Tennessee Titans (last week: 28)
The Titans fired their special teams coach, Bobby April, so head coach Mike Mularkey is definitely on the hot seat after taking over less than a year ago. It’s a strong competition for most inept organization in the NFL.
31 San Francisco 49ers (last week: 30)
The 49ers looked really good on their first two possessions. They looked like crap the rest of the game. This was their second best game of the season.
32 Cleveland Browns (last week: 32)
Terrell Pryor is the Browns best WR and possibly their best QB too.