Your Eagles Mock Drafts Suck

Tis the season to read mock drafts. Hundreds of them. Thousands of them. Mock drafts bleeding out of every orifice of sports media. They are exhaustingly present, and yet we read them like a dog chasing its tail. They are read to give us some semblance of hope of our team drafting a good player, which is a strange concept, but when mock drafts give us a bad player, we get very mad online. Well, here I am, mad online at YOUR mock draft and the players you gave my favorite team... You jerk.

Cody Whitehair, OL, Kansas State: Many moons ago, the Eagles took a 26 year old guard in the first round of the NFL draft. It went horribly. Not only was Danny Watkins older than dirt the moment he took the field, he spent his evenings moonlighting as a firefighter. None of that would be of much consequence if he was a good player, but Watkins got walked back every play like an old lady getting helped across a street. He was awful. He was old. He was a firefighter. I have trauma. Five years later and mocks are giving the Eagles a guard who will be 24 by the time he takes the field. A massive improvement over taking someone who's older than most NFL players getting their second contract, but still very old. On top of that, as important as guard play is for an offense, the position itself is not so valuable that its worth spending a top 15 pick on unless we are talking some kind of elite talent, which Whitehair is not. The Eagles need guards, but the Eagles need a lot of things. That's why they lost nine games this season. Whitehair is a good enough player that if the Eagles take him I won't throw myself into my television in fan-anger, but it seems like a tremendous waste of recourses.

Leonard Floyd, Linebacker, Georgia: To stay with the theme of old players, let's talk about this gem of the SEC. Leonard Floyd is a linebacker who every mock draft is trying to shove down your throat as an NFL edge rusher. Nope. Not gonna happen. Not even Georgia uses him primarily in that way any more. It's the same Dion Jordan/Marcus Smith trap where guys get coverage sacks, unblocked sacks and show they can cover guys in space and everyone gets excited. It's crap. Floyd cannot play defensive end and the last thing this team needs is more linebackers. When Floyd is mocked here, I truly wonder if the writers watch football. I will take such umbrage with the Eagles taking Floyd, I will likely recuse myself from the draft party I will be holding, albeit I will be the only one there, but still.

going to use "umbrage" in the next thing i write. what a tremendous word.

— styles jack (@BGNatan) January 25, 2016

Carson Wentz, QB, NDSU: Yes! You hit it on the head! The problems start at quarterback and the Eagles need to adre-.... What? Pete Wentz' brother? Oh, no, he's not. Ok. But still... He hasn't even started two seasons worth of games, he just recently had a wrist surgery, he played in the FCS... This guy is a first round pick? His arm is good. Great, even. However, primarily he's making one read and taking off. THIS guy is a first round pick? Oh. Oh No. Dear god, he's ginger. That's awful. I know because I'm ginger. No. No. No. No. No. No. If the Eagles take Wentz at 13, I'm watching golf from here on out.

None of this online anger is going to stop me or you from reading mock drafts. Hell, I'll have one out in two weeks and you will all tell me how stupid I am only to read another one minutes, hours, days and weeks later. Thirst on, my friends.