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How Marcus Mariota Can Tank the Combine and Fall to the Eagles

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Teams tank for players. Why can't players tank for teams?

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Chip Kelly wants Marcus Mariota to be his quarterback. Mariota wants to be his QB. Unfortunately for both, the Eagles may not be in a position to take him. Kelly can make all the trade offers he wants to try to move up, but if a team is set on drafting him, they’re not going to make a trade. So it may be impossible to land him.

Or will it? Marcus Mariota, you can control this. We’ve got the plan for you to ensure nobody wants to draft you before the Eagles do. You can accomplish it at the NFL’s job interview, The Combine.

Quarterbacks workout on Saturday. Announce that you're not throwing on Saturday, you’ve got plans and you’re sure as hell not going to let running around in gym shorts in downtown Indianapolis interfere with it. There's a motorcycle expo that day, coaches love it when their QB rides. Looks like he's already done this part:

That's the spirit! The real key to this though is the interview. This is your chance to really make an impression, and you only get one chance to do it.

Show up in an Adrian Peterson jersey. When you are asked to take it off, do so. Because underneath you will be wearing a Ray Rice jersey.

Coaches are impressed by attention to details. Make sure you go into every interview with thorough scouting reports of every coach and GM. Even if they have no need for a QB, you’ll want to impress them because these guys talk to each other all the time.

During the actual workout, performing poorly won’t be enough. Cam Newton didn’t have the greatest of Combines, and he still went #1 overall. To clinch this on the field, you’re going to have to be a complete cancer. Make people compare you to Maurice Clarett.

Between drills watch porn, smoke pot and walk around shouting obscenities. When you run the 40, do it in a backpedal (like this). During throwing drills, take sacks. When you're not throwing, play DB.

There's a segment of Eagles fans that want the Birds to do #WhateverItTakes to get Mariota. But it's a two way street. Marcus Mariota, you can do whatever it takes to get yourself to the Eagles too.