The 2015 WWE Royal Rumble is being held at Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia on Sunday night starting at 7:30 PM EST. For those of you who don't care about wrestling, it's kind of a big deal. Here's how the match works:
"The Royal Rumble is based on the classic Battle Royal match, in which a number of wrestlers aim at eliminating their competitors by tossing them over the top rope, with both feet touching the floor. The winner of the event is the last wrestler remaining after all others have been eliminated.
The Royal Rumble differs from the classical Battle Royal as the contestants do not enter the ring at the same time but instead are "assigned" entry numbers, usually via a lottery, although they can win guaranteed, desirable spots via a number of other scripted means, the most common being winning a match. This lottery is usually staged right before the event begins. The match begins with the two wrestlers who have drawn entry numbers one and two, with the remaining 28 wrestlers entering the ring at regular timed intervals, either 90 seconds or two minutes, according to their entry number."
Anyway, I was talking with some of the other BGN writers and I couldn't help but wonder who would win the Royal Rumble if instead of 30 WWE superstars it was 30 Philadelphia Eagles players.
If I had better foresight, I would have thought of this sooner and bought a WWE video game, created 30 custom wrestlers modeled after Eagles players, and simulated a match... Breaking Madden style. But I didn't. So I'll just share share what I had in mind:
Jim Ross and Merrill Reese on the call, Ed Rendell as the referee
• Riley Cooper enters at #1, gets booed loudly while walking into the ring
• Brandon Boykin enters at #2, Cooper's fails to block Boykin's moves and the CB overcomes the perceived height disadvantage
• Cody Parkey runs in at #3 and delivers SWEET CHIN MUSIC to Cooper
• Boykin tosses Cooper over the ropes to eliminate him
• A blast from the past: Reno Mahe is #4, runs down the ramp carrying a container of gasoline that he leaves outside the ring
• An out-of-breath Cary "Sconce" Williams is #5
• #6: Bryan Braman runs out to the ring yelling "KILL, MAIM, DESTROY"
• Cary eliminates Parkey, Boykin eliminates Cary
• #8 is Stacy Andrews, followed by...
• Shawn Andrews at #9
• Andrews brothers team up to eliminate Mahe, Braman
• Jason Kelce comes in at #10 to help Boykin even the odds against the Andrews brothers
• Evan Mathis follows Kelce at #11, delivers The People's Elbow to Stacy Andrews
• Shawn Andrews abandons the match
• The nWo theme starts playing and Ricky Watters come out to the ring as #12 wearing a "For Who, For What" shirt
• Another heel... this time it's the biggest one of them all: Terrell Owens enters the match at #13
• T.O. eliminates Kelce after hitting him with a low blow
• Ric Flair's theme music starts playing... and it's Vinny Curry dressed up like him at #14!
• Curry eliminates Stacy Andrews
• Freddie Mitchell enters at #15 while carrying a fake championship title
• Boykin eliminates Mitchell, who is taken back to jail after being eliminated
• Marcus Smith II enters at #16, but just takes a seat in the first row for the entire match and never gets to enter the ring
• An intoxicated Kevin Kolb is #17
• Casey Matthews runs in at #18 and eliminates Kolb in hopes to be more like his brother
• Sirens go off, a firetruck drives out onto the entrance ramp, Danny Watkins gets out of the truck at #19
• Howard Mudd drives up to the ring on the Muddmobile before Watkins can enter and yells at him to scare him off
• T.O. eliminates Boykin and Mathis, which upsets the crowd
• #20 is a surprise return that gets a huge pop: BRIAN DAWKINS
• Dawkins goes toe-to-toe with T.O. before turning his attention to Watters
• Dawkins eliminates Watters
• #21 is Cedric "Swamp" Thornton, a tough out
• Big John Runyan enters at #22
• T.O. eliminates Braman
• Donovan McNabb is #23
• T.O. eliminates McNabb, but McNabb sets up a table outside the ring and uses Mahe's gas container to set it on fire, Dawkins makes a diving tackle on T.O. through the table and eliminates himself and T.O. in the process
• #24 is Brandon Bair, because Oregon Bias
• #25 is Darren Sproles
• Sproles somehow eliminates Curry, Runyan
• #26 is Bradley Fletcher but Josh Huff burns him on the way to the ring to steal his spot (Hmm, another Oregon player)
• Huff somehow eliminates himself
• #27 is Kenjon Barner, which causes people to wonder how the Oregon players got the best spots
• #28 is Will Murphy, and OK, this is ridiculous
• Chris Baker enters the ring at #29... wait, how did a Washington player get involved?
• Jason Peters comes in at number #30 and chokeslams Baker out of the ring. All other players respect The Franchise and merely eliminate themselves because no one messes with JP. Easy winner.
For coverage of the WWE Royal Rumble, don't forget to check out Cageside Seats.