Who Would Buy That: Eagles Bye Week Edition

After the Eagles shut out the Giants last week, I wanted to declare my Eagles fandom to the world. I marched to my bedroom and proceeded to tear it apart, looking for the Eagles shirt I was sure I owned. When I didn't find it, I had to own up to a sad, uncomfortable truth:

I'm Liz Roscher, a lifelong Eagles fan, and I don't own any Eagles gear.

I had to remedy this, so I jumped onto the Eagles online team store and started to browse. An hour later I still hadn't found anything, but that was because I'd gotten distracted by some of the utterly horrible, ridiculous, ugly Eagles gear in the team store. After looking at all that terrible merch, I knew what I had to do. It was time to bring "Who Would Buy That?" to Bleeding Green Nation.

Philadelphia Eagles Franchise Cotton Twill Jacket

My favorite part of this jacket is by far the description on the website. Here's the first line:

This men's Franchise cotton twill jacket will give you that truly spirited look you've been wanting.

Yes, the "truly spirited look", also known as the "borderline insane with bad fashion sense" look. There is just so much going on with this jacket, where do you start? The basic jacket itself is fine -- it's colorblocked, which is an attractive foundation. But it's hard to argue it makes a difference when they've logo-vomited all over it. On the front, the midnight green has the field markings over it, so you know you're dealing with FOOTBALL. Of course, the large Eagles logo on the top of it might give you a clue. And if for some reason you *still* weren't sure what kind of jacket this was, "EAGLES" is printed sideways on the right side. "THIS IS AN EAGLES JACKET. EVERYONE LOOK AT MY EAGLES JACKET!" says the person who bought this, completely sure that this is the coolest jacket ever and not the thing that will make him the butt of his friends' jokes for the next two months.

Of course, you don't look at jackets just from the front. What if someone is looking at the jacket from the back? How will they know that the wearer is an Eagles fan? The designers of this jacket have thoughtfully crammed a bunch of stuff onto the back of this jacket so that wouldn't be a problem! You've got the field markings again, only this time it's wider. On top of that they put a perspective shot of a football field (it could possibly be the Linc, who knows), complete with a goalpost. That's just the foundation! Across the middle of the back it says "EAGLES", above that is a green football with a giant Eagles logo in the middle of it, and above *that* is "PHILADELPHIA". There's another logo on the top of one of the sleeves, and the sleeves also have these baffling strips of fabric by the wrists. To top it all off, there is bright white piping around the whole thing. There is too much going on and none of it makes sense. Team gear, in general, is given leeway when it comes to being fashionable. But this jacket is beyond the pale. "God, I am just the COOLEST" says the wearer as he struts through Lot K, moments before his friends start to mock him and fans from his own team start pelting him with soft pretzel pieces. "DON'T HURT THE JACKET!" he shrieks as he runs for cover. You find him five hours later crouched behind a trash can, holding the jacket like a baby and softly cooing at it.

Who would buy this? Hopefully no one you know. If you know someone who might buy this confusing eyesore of a jacket, please get them help as soon as possible. The person buying and wearing this jacket obviously has no idea how utterly ugly it is, and that puts into question literally every other decision they've ever made or will ever make. Friends don't let friends buy this jacket.

Cuce Shoes Philadelphia Eagles Ladies The Aficionado Boots

WHAT EVEN ARE THOSE OH MY GOD. It's like moon shoes had sex with a forest animal and that's the product of their unholy union. I mean my god, those things are mind-blowingly ugly.

To start with, they're massive. This is not a fun lounging boot, or a boot you wear when you go out with friends, or a boot you wear ever, really. They're large like snow boots, but don't for a second think they're actually good for foul weather. The product description says they're "insulated" and "fuzzy", and they offer "full functionality every step of the way." I love a boot that's functional for walking! Those non-functional walking boots I have to wear on my hands are just the worst. If I were wearing these boots, and not in a million years would I ever do that, but if I were, I *might* wear them in the cold (they're "insulated" but from what exactly?), but not in any kind of windy or wet weather. You know, winter time. I don't trust boots that look like a Star Trek "Fun With Tribbles!" craft project gone awry.

Beyond the mass of these boots, there are a whole lot of other problems. The biggest one is that the actual shoe portion of the boot is white. The part of the boot that's closest to the ground is white. How long do you think they're going to stay that way once they're worn? Maybe an hour. Maybe less. White shoes are a dangerous gamble, and almost never worth it. And then right above the white shoe, there's a tremendous amount of fake fur. It's like the boot unbuttoned its shirt and stuck out its hairy chest, all "Come here, baby. You know you wanna touch it." And then everyone has nightmares forever. It's just UGLY. I don't own many things with fake fur -- I can think of one, maybe two things -- and the fur on those items quickly went from "fluffy" to "matted knotty synthetic mess". There are just two logos -- the Eagle on the back of the heel, and "EAGLES" on a tan band that goes around the upper middle of the boot. No, I don't understand the tan band either. I don't know why it's there or what purpose it serves. I also don't understand why the laces loop behind the boot not just once, but twice. Boots are already a pain in the ass to put on, why make lacing them harder?

Who would buy this? They're tacky and tasteless, so I'm imagining the wife of a Russian mob boss who has somehow become an Eagles fan. These boots are so ugly. I can't look at them anymore. I can't believe anyone would sell these.

Men's Philadelphia Eagles Nike "Foles Owns Philly" T-Shirt

Womp womp...

I had to include this. How eager we were! How eager we were, and still are, to make Foles our king! Hell, Nick Foles could load the "2013 EAGLES QUARTERBACK LEVEL: GOOD" program into his hard drive/brain next week and I'd say "Let's make him our forever-mayor!" This Eagles team feels like they're right on the edge of greatness, and fans are so hungry. This shirt illustrates that perfectly.

There's nothing bad about this shirt, other than the fact that it was made and sold to a vulnerable fanbase in search of a hero/savior. But there's nothing wrong with buying it. Who would buy this? Any and all of us hoping that last season wasn't a fluke and Nick Foles can still be Our Quarterback, Forever and Ever.