The Bum On The Cowboys' Sideline

As you can see, a prototype obese Texas bum got drunk at his favorite steakhouse and afterwards he was lured in by the giant spaceship disguised as Jerry's playhouse. But for some reason, the obese Redneck, ignoramus was allowed to stay and even coach the players! I think it's because Jerry Jones thought he was pregnant. It would appear that Rob Ryan is just the latest addition to Jerry's kids, the group of mentally and physically handicapped people that are otherwise known as the Dallas Cowboys. But I digress...

How do I figure this man cannot possibly be a REAL coach? Well, no self respecting coach would have the same lack of decorum that this bum has. He clearly does not hold himself to high standards. If you need evidence of that, I point you towards the picture on the side. Look at how poorly groomed he is, obvious lack of self respect. Look at his weight, anyone with any self respect wouldn't get as sloppy as that. And what kind of self respecting bum gets pregnant while being a bum? Talk about the ultimate sign of personal disrespect. Just think about that for a second. First off, how could you possibly allow yourself to be put in a situation where you could get pregnant as a bum and then think about that it probably was done in a dark alley. Come on man, you're better than that (wait, no he isn't).

And he just walks around topless like the dirty whore he is:

Put a top on slore! Have some self respect! A shirt, a bra, a bikini top SOMETHING. And should you really be drinking when you're so far along in your pregnancy? If he's not careful his baby might come out even more retarded than he is.

But enough about the lifestyle of a bum. Let's talk about what happens when said bum opens his mouth.

"If they need my motivation to get ready to play us, then we're gonna kick their ass anyway, it ain't going to matter."

As you can see, the Bum likes to keep it classy and respectable. Clearly he has decorum saying that "we're going to kick their ass anyway".

"I don't know if we win the all-hype team, that might have gone to someone else, but we're going to beat their ass when we play them."

See above statements.

"I'm not some guy [who] just can handle coach speak and be boring. I'm going to be emotional at times, and unfortunately that was one of my times, and I found out everybody listens in this town, which is good, unlike Cleveland. So I got in a little trouble there."

He's an emotional guy, I think that this is a byproduct of his pregnancy. He was shocked when people actually listened to him as he was unaccustomed to people doing that, being a bum and all.

"Hell, he doesn't have to worry about tackling me, if he does, he can tackle me. That'd be great, because I'm going to land on his shoulder and put him out. So that'll be awesome. Hell, he can tackle me two or three times."

Yes, he did just threaten to put DeSean Jackson out of the game by himself. Kind of easy to talk when you're only going to be standing on the sidelines, no? But keep talking trash big boy. Keep talking trash. But while you're at it, ask Laron Landry how that works out.

"I'm not scared of what I believe in, and what I believe in is our defense,"

Do you also believe that you can fly? Because watching the bum sink like a rock after jumping off of Jerry's playhouse would be kind of awesome. He seems to be arrogant enough to believe such a thing.

"I can't wait to get after these guys. It's going to be great. Hell, let's go get it on."

Rumor has it that this was the line he used before he got impregnated in the alley between Taco Bell and Lone Star Steakhouse.