OLB Khalil Mack: A truck for the defense. Or is he a knife? You decide.
CB Darqueze Dennard: Double Ds. He’s real and he’s spectacular.
S Calvin Pryor: The athletic ability of Calvin Johnson combined with the comedic skills of Richard Pryor.
WR Davante Adams: Lawyer up, Eagles fans!
G Dakota Dozier: A truck for the offense who’s too big for one state. If he doesn’t pan out, we can blame John Lennon.
OLB Jeremiah Attaochu: The Sneeze.
S Tre Boston: He’s got the foreign 3 going on. He follows it with a city name.
RB Bishop Sankey: I expect him to excel on diagonal runs.
DT Ego Ferguson: If he can handle being named Ego, he can handle DT in the NFL.
S Dion Bailey: The athletic ability of Deion Sanders combined with whatever Champ Bailey brings to the table. He even corrected Prime Time’s spelling.
RB Storm Johnson: The dude’s name is Storm. I can’t make this stuff up.
OLB Prince Shembo: Cue the music: I only want to see him laughing in the Eagles’ reign.
WR Devin Street: It’s about time the Eagles got a Street fighter.
OLB Tyler Starr: He shines so bright he has an extra ‘r’.
OLB Howard Jones: What is love? An outside linebacker who can rush the quarterback.
FB Gator Hoskins: The dude’s name is Gator. I still can’t make this stuff up.
K Cairo Santos: His first name is an Egyptian city. His surname is Latino. The Eagles are going global.
WR DeWayne Peace (UFA): Get your tickets for the Peace Train.
DE Jadeveon Clowney: If you want to join the circus, talk to Jerry Jones.
S Ha Ha Clinton-Dix: Heath Ledger was overrated. And the only person who cares about Clinton Dix is Monica Lewinsky.
WR Brandin Cooks: First he spells Brandon wrong. Then he adds an ‘s’ to Cook. How did he stay academically eligible?
S Craig Loston: The dude’s name starts with ‘Lost’. Unless you’re Evangeline Lilly, you can keep that shiz.
RB Carlos Hyde: The psycho half of a split personality freak?
OLB Jordan Tripp: He insults his own athletic ability in his name and he doesn’t even spell it right.
ILB Yawin Smallwood: His first name is WTF. His surname is TMI.
QB David Fales: The dude’s name sounds like fails? Seriously?
RB Alfred Blue: A butler who’s dealing with depression?
DE Jeoffrey Pagan: I don’t mind religious expression, but this is a bit much.
TE Rob Blanchflower: Do I even need to explain this one?
OT Taylor Lewan
CB Victor Hampton
TE Colt Lyerla
RB Jeremy Hill
RB Isaiah Crowell
QB Zach Mettenberger
CB Loucheiz Purifoy
QB Johnny Manziel
DT Timmy Jernigan
LB Christian Jones
DT Anthony Johnson
LB Telvin Smith