Amidst the Desean Jackson trade rumors, many have questioned Jimmy Kempski's motives behind starting this whole ordeal. Was it for fame, fortune, or just measly site hits? Well I'm here to tell you it was for none of those reasons. No, Jimmy's motives were much more sinister. This is the story of one writer and his quest for petty revenge.
Jimmy, a newly hired philly.com writer had the perfect life. He had a new dream job, a beautiful wife, and a newborn baby. Everything was going smoothly as he churned out article after article with nothing but positive feedback from his fellow writers. But one day, that all changed when he discovered the philly.com comment section. "You suck!" "F*ck you Jimmy." "You couldn't write your way outta a wet paper bag." "Why won't you write about Boldyn?" "This article gave me cancer." "My grandma could write better than you and she has dementia." Jimmy didn't understand why this was happening.
Week after week, article after article Jimmy was welcomed with nothing but criticism. This went on for months with no solution in sight....that is until that fateful morning when Jimmy decided to confide in Les Bowen. "You have to kill them all, its the only way to silence the critics." Les advised Jimmy. So from that day on Jimmy collected the names of all those who criticized his articles and placed them on a list. And after each kill he crossed their names off, one by one
and then celebrated.
Things were starting to look better for Jimbo. Insults were down, brown nosing was up, just the way he liked it. And then it happened. "Where do they find these sh!tty writers?" "This guy sucks as s." Both comments by the username djackson10. His jaw dropped. He couldn't believe it, his favorite player creating an account just to disrespect him. He burst out in a fit of rage
and charged into the men's restroom at the local Wendy's where he takes his wife for their weekly date night to split a chicken sandwich. No fries, no drink......just the chicken sandwich. Anyways, he charged into the men's restroom and destroyed everything in sight.
His wife ran in and tried to calm him down, "Maybe it wasn't him writing all those hurtful things, honey." But he knew the truth. Nobody would use a fake name on the internet. That was Desean Jackson, himself, and Jimmy was gonna get his revenge. To the top of the list Desean's name went, and Jimmy wasted no time in seeking his life. He immediately checked Desean's Instagram to find out his location. He clicked on the newest post and read the caption: "Out chillin wit mah homie." "Good," Jimmy thought to himself, "He's staying home tonight." A few hours later Jimmy found himself speeding to Desean's mansion, still fighting off the initial rage.
Absolutely nothing. Desean was nowhere to be found.
He checked every room in the house and still no sight of him. Jimmy was confused and saddened at his failed attempt at murder, but Desean needed to pay. "If you can't kill em, then rob em!" Jimmy exclaimed. And that's exactly what he did. Cash, jewelry, hand guns, a semi-used roll of Obama toilet paper that was given as a parting gift from Spencer Hawes, pretty much anything that he could carry. But that wasn't enough, he wanted more. "If he wants to trash my writing, then I'll give him an article to really complain about." Jimmy mumbled. A few weeks later it was finished. "Eagles' signings of Jeremy Maclin and Riley Cooper could signal a DeSean Jackson trade." the title read. Jimmy knew it was a masterpiece as he read it over and over with self approval.
It wasn't too long after that the other journalists began to take Jimmy's rumor and run with it. First the local beat writers and then the national writers followed suit. And then it happened. A single McManus quote. A quote that let Jimmy know that it was all worth it......that he finally got his long awaited revenge. "According to multiple sources familiar with the situation, Jackson is unsure about his standing on the team and troubled by what is being written about him" Jimmy read with an evil grin.
"Troubled.....My work here is done."