The NFL Draft has evolved into a stunning spectacle that beautifully blends together astonishing levels of intrigue, hype, pontification and utter bullshit into a three-day TV marathon. Before the real draft takes place, however, mock drafts dominate the scene and vacuum page clicks. Hell, mock drafts for the next year start literally the second the current year's real draft concludes. Inevitably, mock drafts get tedious, and far too often the iterations are redundant. Here at BGN, we laugh in the face of tediousness and redundancy. Also, we like to poke fun at anything and everything, and what better target than mock drafts? Behold, THE SHOCK DRAFT.
We here at BGN had an AFC and NFC division:
James Keane - NFC East and AFC West
Josh Collacchi - NFC West and AFC East
Myself - NFC South and AFC North
And, in a special guest appearance, Dan Klausner - NFC North and AFC South
1 - Texans - Dan
In a pick that shocks and horrifies the Texans fan base simply due to blood relation and elates NFL fans everywhere because of the narrative, the Houston Texans dip back into the Carr family tree 12 years later to jump-start their franchise. With the 1st pick in the 2014 NFL Shock Draft, the Houston Texans select Derek Carr, QB, Fresno State.
2 - Rams - Josh
Rams need one more player to perfect their front seven: a defensive tackle. One who has won every award imaginable, destroyed the Senior Bowl to solidify himself as a first-round pick and will continue his legacy in St. Louis along Michael Brockers, Chris Long and reigning sack-champion Robert Quinn. The St. Louis Rams select Aaron Donald, DT, Pittsburgh.
3 - Jaguars - Dan
With the 3rd overall selection in the 2014 NFL Shock Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars, desperately in need of a quarterback but not sold on taking one this high, go with a pick that helps Gus Bradley accelerate the rebuild of his defense and assemble a formidable front four. The Jacksonville Jaguars select Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina.
4 - Falcons (from Browns) - Dave
We have a trade to announce. The Cleveland Browns have traded their first round selection, #4 overall, to the Atlanta Falcons for the 6th and 66th overall pick. Tony Gonzalez is gone and Roddy White is falling apart. Matt Ryan needs playmakers to keep the offense going. The Atlanta Falcons select Mike Evans, WR, Texas A&M.
5 - Raiders - James
The Raiders just need too much help at quarterback. After a suffering through a season with Terrelle Pryor and Matt McGloin (just 15 passing touchdowns between the two), Oakland needs a major upgrade and is in a prime position for it. So with the 5th pick of the 2014 NFL Shock Draft, the Oakland Raiders select cornerback Darqueze Dennard, CB, Michigan State. Wait... quarterback or cornerback? Shit.
6 - Browns - Dave
When you hire a new coach you need to give him the tools he needs to succeed in the long run, which for Cleveland is a year and a half. Mike Pettine needs his building block, and Michael Lombardi will let him have it if Joe Banner says so Ray Farmer figures "why not, it’s not like I’ll be here next year anyway." With the 6th overall selection, the Cleveland Browns select CJ Mosley, LB, Alabama.
7 - Buccaneers - Dave
Lovie Smith needs his building block for his defense too, where everything starts up front. Picking an offensive player this high under Lovie Smith is a waste anyway: Cedrick Benson, Chris Williams, Gabe Carimi. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers select Stephon Tuitt, DL, Notre Dame.
8 - Vikings - Dan
The Minnesota Vikings select, in a move that you might not think is all that shocking but really is because it would seem to be obvious that this player and new HC Mike Zimmer mix together like oil and water.... Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M!
9 - Bills - Josh
10 - Lions - Dan
The Lions need help in the secondary, but there’s one player who has slipped and GM Martin Mayhew cannot possibly afford to pass him up. Besides, Calvin Johnson deserves to have a game-breaking starting wide receiver opposite him, not Kris Durham, and Matthew Stafford could always use a new, shiny toy with turbo jets. The Detroit Lions select Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson.
11 - Titans - Dan
Ken Whisenhunt, aka The Quarterback Whisperer, is back in the head coaching saddle, and people might think he’ll attempt to work with Jake Locker, who looked like he was turning a corner in his development during the 2013 season before suffering an assortment of injuries. Whisenhunt has no time or patience for injured pansies, especially those who aren’t even accurate throwers of the football. For that reason, he wants to draft his own quarterback to start the rebuilding process in Tennessee, and there’s a damn good one still on the board. The Tennessee Titans select Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville. The only shocking part about this pick? That Bridgewater dropped.
12 - Giants - James
Look at Matt Millen up there! The Giants could definitely use Jake Matthews to give Eli more time to throw picks. Instead, the Giants go a different route, looking for Manning the Lesser's replacement. With the 12th pick of the 2014 NFL Shock draft, the New York Football Giants select Blake Bortles, QB, UCF.
13 - Rams - Josh
The Rams have already shored up the best defensive line in football along with a good defense, and now just need to win. Since Sam Bradford is not a winner, the Rams sprint to the podium and happily select the most successful college quarterback in the history of the SEC: The St. Louis Rams select A.J. McCarron, QB, Alabama.
14 - Bears - Dan
In a stark divergence from the norm, the Bears defense was atrocious in 2013 -- like, really, REALLY bad -- particularly against the run as it offered resistance consistent with a sheet of toilet paper, ranking last in the league with 161.4 yards allowed on the ground per game (nearly 30 yards more than the second-worst rush defense). The pass rush wasn’t better, either, ranking tied for last in the NFL with 31 sacks. Hmmm, to stop the run or the pass, that is the question. Julius Peppers just turned 34, time to find his replacement. Chicago Bears select Kony Ealy, DE, Missouri. This pick sucks because it makes sense. For shame, Daniel.
15 - Steelers - Dave
Editor’s note: it was demanded that the following exchanges be included:
Dan: DAVE YOU FUCK MAKE THE STEELERS PICK
Dave: Relax Danny Boy, it's the weekend.
I thought about giving the old Steelers a 24 year old rookie, but with a sketchy off the field tackle to block their sketchy off the field QB, on the board, this pick was too good to pass up. The Pittsburgh Steelers select Taylor Lewan, OT Michigan.
Dan: I was very drunk when I sent that email and I do not apologize
Dave: How do I favorite an email
16 - Packers - Dan (from Ravens)
Roger Goodell steps to the podium. "We have a trade to announce. The Baltimore Ravens have traded their first round pick to the Green Bay Packers..." every talking head and wannabe talking head simultaneously reach the same conclusion: the Packers are making a draft day trade, it must be a great trade for them. The Ravens are making a draft day trade, it must be great for them. Both have already won this trade.
Ozzie Newsome and Ted Thompson just outsmarted every other GM in the league, per usual. Thompson saw Jake Matthews' inexplicable plunge and decided it was time to strike and finally end the madness. The deal was not without a steep price, however, as Ozzie demanded the Packers' first and second round picks. According to the almighty draft value board, that's an easy win for the Ravens (1,170 to 1,000). Steep price, but Ted, armed with the knowledge that he has to find a way to adequately protect Aaron Rodgers, swallowed hard and trusted his gut. Done deal. With the 16th pick, the Green Bay Packers select Jake Matthews, OT, Texas A&M.
17 - Cowboys - James
Monte Kiffin just told Rod Marinelli and Jerry Jones to "eff off." The defense is fine and Monte can coach his way out of a brown paper bag (the small one he uses for his lunch). No worries, Jerry regroups and looks at the number one prospect on his board. Still available. With the seventeenth pick, the Dallas Cowboys select Tre Mason, RB, Auburn.
18 - Jets - Josh
Rex Ryan is back, and for good. Ryan is a great defensive mind, and he needs great defensive minds on the field. The smartest defensive player in the draft is still on the board. Well, at least until the Jets pick. The New York Jets select Chris Borland, LB, Wisconsin.
19 - Dolphins - Josh
The Dolphins offensive line is terrible, and Tannehill doesn't have enough time to get the ball out. So, naturally the 'Fins need someone who can get the ball out quicker. The Miami Dolphins select the QB with the fastest throwing motion in the class in Jimmy Garoppolo, QB, Eastern Illinois.
20 - Cardinals - Josh
Bruce Arians runs a vertical passing offense, which means he needs someone who can throw the football far. The offensive line doesn't need help because Arians will max protect anyway. The Arizona Cardinals select Zach Mettenberger, QB, Louisiana State.
21 - Ravens - Dave
The Ravens have a lot of holes that need plugging if they want to get back to the playoffs. Sure, they have problems at the offensive line and an aging front seven on defense, but Dennis Pitta, Ed Dickson and Dallas Clark are all free agents. The Baltimore Ravens select Eric Ebron, TE, North Carolina.
While the Eagles are on the clock, David Stern steps up to the podium. Yes, David Stern. The NFL hasn’t had a trade like this in a decade, Roger Goodell has never announced such a trade and is bringing in a specialist. The Seahawks fans in attendance boo Stern. New York fans get excited he has just rigged the draft for them.
"We have a trade to announce, the Miami Dolphins have traded the rights to Jimmy Garappolo and a 7th round pick to the Cleveland Browns for the 26th overall pick, a 3rd round selection and a 5th round selection."
Ray Farmer, bound in zip tie cuffs and gagged with duct tape, is kicking and (mutedly) screaming in the equipment room. Joe Banner lights a cigar with Pilot/Flying J rebate checks and leans back in his chair. He's got his QB and he made a big splash to steal the Eagles' spotlight. Michael Lombardi brings him a scotch and a hot towel. "It's good to be the king," Banner says as he blows cigar smoke into Jason La Canfora's face in an exclusive interview. He takes a moment to reflect upon one of the many inspirational quotes hanging in his office. "It's like it's Abraham Lincoln once said, 'In our profession, winning isn't everything, it's the only thing.'"
22 - Eagles - James
Chip Kelly has established several mantras since he came to town: "Bigger guys beat up little guys" is one of most popular. But it doesn't necessarily translate to draft day when it's Howie's time to shine. Despite the need for defensive playmakers (defense shmefense!), Howie continues to supply Chip with dynamic offensive weapons, from Oregon no less. With the 22nd pick, the Philadelphia Eagles select five-foot-nuthin', a-hundred-and-nuthin' Brandin Cooks, WR, Oregon *cough* State *cough*.
23 - Chiefs - James
Speaking of coughs (or guttural clears of the throat), Andy Reid shocks everyone by drafting a tight end in the first round! The Kansas City Chiefs select Jace "Don't Call Me Chase or Ruben" Amaro, TE, Texas Tech.
24 - Bengals - Dave
Even though they won their division, the Bengals were a disappointment this season. They once again lost in the first round, and Andy Dalton has not shown much progression from his rookie year. It’s not all his fault. Nobody stepped up opposite AJ Green, Jermaine Gresham was again underwhelming and BenJarvis Green-Ellis regressed. James Harrison had only two sacks. Two! He clearly needs to be replaced immediately. The Cincinnati Bengals select Trent Murphy, DE/LB, Stanford.
25 - Chargers - James
A year after drafting Manti Te'o, Chargers GM Tom Telesco is still looking to improve the defense. So before the well runs dry, with the 25th pick the San Diego Chargers select Yawin Smallwood, LB, Connecticut. Because you can’t spell "Yawin" without "Ya" and "Win."
26 - Dolphins - Josh (from Browns)
After drafting and trading Jimmy Garoppolo, the Dolphins have put themselves in a great position, adding a third round pick and a fifth while only moving back seven slots and giving up a seventh. Now, the Dolphins need help on the offensive line, but the best player on their board happens to be available, and is a steal at 26th overall. You can never have too many pass rushers and Dion Jordan can now focus on playing special teams, which was his role in 2013. The Miami Dolphins select Dee Ford, DE/OLB Auburn.
27 - Saints - Dave
Rob Ryan did a wonderful job turning around the Saints defense and the yearly earnings of Metairie, Louisiana area Hooters restaurants, and you can never have too much of a good thing. Crack open another cold one, Rob, you’ve got another toy to play with. The New Orleans Saints select Anthony Barr, OLB, UCLA.
28 - Panthers - Dave
Speaking of keep doing what you're doing because you're good at it.... When going for it on 4th down and your young studs on defense takes you from about to be fired to a first round bye and Coach of the Year, why fix what ain't broken? The Carolina Panthers select Louis Nix III, DT, Notre Dame.
29 - Patriots - Josh
30 - 49ers - Josh
The Niners don't have many holes to fill, so last year they drafted B.J. Daniels to replicate Russell Wilson on the scout team. This year they couldn't stop Richard Sherman from making the big play, so in order to get past him, the Niners need to practice against someone like him. The San Fransisco 49ers select Stanley Jean-Baptiste, CB, Nebraska, who is listed at the same height as Richard Sherman and thus destined to be exactly like him in the NFL.
31 - Broncos - James
John Elway and John Fox have little time to analyze what exactly happened against Seattle in the Super Bowl. However, it's pretty clear that losing the time of possession battle (32 minutes to 28) was a major contributing factor. Winning minutes equals winning games, and the only way to do that is to sustain drives with the running game. Against Seattle, this area is where the Broncos were least successful, rushing only 14 times for 29 yards, and Knowshon Moreno is likely to depart in free agency, with only Montee Ball (and Ronnie Hillman, if you want to count him) in line to take over. So with the 31st pick of the 2014 Shock Draft, the Denver Broncos select Ka'Deem Carey, RB, Arizona.
32 - Seahawks - Josh
Seattle won the Super Bowl in a landslide. They don't need anything. But the one bit of controversy surrounding the team is Marshawn Lynch's relationship with the media. The Seahawks need an imposing presence to protect Lynch from media onslaught. With the 32nd pick the Seattle Seahawks select 6'6 350 pound Daniel McCullers, DT, Tennessee.
33 - Texans - Dan
Houston's defense was one of the best in the league last season despite the 2-14 record and is pretty set moving forward. Besides, there's a player worthy of a top-10 selection who has somehow, someway, SHOCKINGLY fallen out of the first round. The Texans and Bill O'Brien can't believe their good fortune and quickly move to improve an offensive line that must protect 1st overall pick Derek Carr.
With the first selection of the second round (#33 overall) of the SHOCK DRAFT, the Houston Texans select Greg Robinson, OT, Auburn. He'll play RT for the time being with All-Pro Duane Brown at LT but eventually one day take over for the soon-to-be 29-year old veteran.
34 - Redskins - James
Daniel Snyder has done well adding impact players through free agency. Coaching, however, has been lacking. Now that Snyder finally has his head coach (Jay Gruden) and coaching personnel in place to make multiple Super Bowl runs, he is poised to add some needed depth through the draft. With their first pick of the Shock Draft, the Redskins select David Yankey, OG, from Stanford.
35 - Browns - Dave
Great teams are built through the draft. With a look to the future -- the future of acquiring the Colts’ 2016 1st round pick 18 months from now -- Kevin Costner and the Browns select Carlos Hyde, RB, Ohio State.
36 - Raiders - James
Raiders' GM Reggie McKenzie scrambles to make up for his first round mistake. Despite the eight quarterbacks already drafted, the Raiders select Aaron Murray, QB, Georgia. His torn ACL wasn't THAT bad.
37 - Falcons - Dave
After watching his team get decimated by injuries last year, Falcons GM Thomas Dimitroff knows that his team desperately needs depth. And if he’s half as smart as people think he is, he also knows to get value whenever you can in the draft. The Falcons select Marqise Lee, WR, USC.
38 - Buccaneers - Dave
Defense wins championships, and that’s why the Bucs hired Lovie Smith. And that’s why they continue to give him the playmakers he needs to succeed in the suddenly ultra-competitive NFC South. The Buccaneers select Ha’Sean Clinton-Dix, S, Alabama.
39 - Jaguars - Dan
The Jaguars passed on taking a QB in the first round in favor of pouncing on a defensive building block in Jadeveon Clowney. However, the run on QBs is in full swing and the pool of available signal callers is dwindling. Do the Jaguars make a major reach at this point in the draft when there's still so much value no the board? No way, GM Dave Caldwell don't play it like that, homies. OC Jedd Fisch will have to wait at least another round to get his QB of the future.
Justin Blackmon can apply for reinstatement before the 2014 season following his second suspension for violating the NFL's substance abuse policy, but he's proved himself to be extremely unreliable and the chances of him relapsing are something like 100 percent. Furthermore, Cecil Shorts III is entering the final season of his rookie contract. The Jaguars need both insurance AND hope for the future at the WR position, especially if they wave a huge middle finger to their fan base and end up with Chad Henne or Blaine Gabbert under center. Without further ado, the Jaguars select Kelvin Benjamin, WR, Florida State.
40 - Vikings - Dan
The Minnesota Vikings could go literally a thousand different directions with their second-round pick. The defense desperately needs help, especially along the defensive line with Jared Allen hitting free agency and Kevin Williams aging. Sharrif Floyd was drafted in 2013, and Letroy Guiton was serviceable alongside Williams this season. Screw it -- who doesn’t want more beef? You build defenses from the inside out! After biting his lip and agreeing to the Manziel pick at 7th overall, new HC Mike Zimmer won't let his baby go ignored once again and demands that defensive line be the focus. Very well, Zimdawg. The Vikings dip into their backyard and go with the hometown kid for this selection: RaShede Hageman, DT, Minnesota.
41 - Bills - Josh
The Buffalo Bills will need to stop the Miami Dolphins, New England Patriots and New York Jets' passing attacks -- well, maybe just the Patriots'. Bills select cornerback Pierre Desir, CB, Lindenwood.
42 - Titans - Dan
The Titans took Teddy Bridgewater to be their new franchise QB in the first round and already have explosive weapons for him to throw to in Kendall Wright and Justin Hunter. CB Alterraun Verner, one of the best in the league at his position, is a free agent but could be slapped with the franchise tag, while fellow starting CB Jason McCourty signed a lucrative extension two years ago. Safety, which featured veteran castoffs Michael Griffin and Bernard Pollard in 2013, needs an infusion of youth and star potential. Wait a second, this is all too rational for the Shock Draft. Eh, whatever. The Titans select Calvin Pryor, S, Louisville.
43 - Giants - James
With Hakeem Nicks not expected to return next season, Jerry Reese needs to fill the void with a player just as adept at finding the end zone. The Giants select Crockett Gillmore, TE, Colorado State.
44 - Rams - Josh
After perfecting their front seven and adding a proven winner, the Rams need to add a big target to help A.J. McCarron win games. The Rams select Brandon Coleman, WR, Rutgers.
45 - Lions - Dan
Detroit had a chance to address its putrid secondary in the first round at the 10th overall pick but just couldn’t resist the allure of picking Sammy Watkins to pair with Megatron. Now’s the time to go cornerback. Lions select Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State.
46 - Steelers - Dave
The Steelers started the season playing pathetically, going 0-3 and looking helpless. Then Le'Veon Bell got healthy, suddenly the offense looked competent and Pittsburgh went 8-5 the rest of the way. Had they won just one game without Bell, they would have been in the playoffs. But they didn't, and they weren't. Pittsburgh can't afford to have that happen again. The Steelers select Lache Seastrunk, RB, Baylor.
47 - Cowboys - James
Scared of of what Monte Kiffin would do to him, Jerry Jones thinks, "Offense, offense, offense." Jones also needs a guy that will lead his personal protection detail. So Dallas selects their second running back in the Shock Draft, Jeremy Hill, Louisiana State, a downhill bruiser with an affinity for criminal assault and battery.
48 - Ravens - Dave
The Ravens were inept at running the ball in 2013. Ray Rice averaged a feeble 3.1 yards per carry, but at least caught 58 passes. Bernard Pierce was even worse, falling forward for 2.9 yards per carry. This two head duo of fail combined for 1096 yards on 366 attempts and 6 TDs. They need a impact player there, someone who can double or even triple those numbers. The Ravens select Andre Williams, RB, Boston College.
49 - Jets - Josh
The Jets need pure speed, because in essence the fastest one to the goal line wins. The Jets select De'Anthony Thomas, RB, Oregon
50 - Dolphins - Josh
The Dolphins were in the hunt for the playoffs and then it all fell apart from the inside. If they can’t fix what’s horribly broken, they will never win. Let the healing process begin.
The Dolphins select Michael Sam, DE, Missouri.
51 - Bears - Dan
The Bears still need everything on defense, and there's a player on the board who has slid way too much, even for the Shock Draft. While GM Phil Emery considered taking another wide receiver because you can never have enough weapons for Jay Cutler, he ultimately decided that even in the theater of the absurd that is the Shock Draft, he simply couldn't ignore the defense. With the 51st overall pick, the Chicago Bears select Timmy Jernigan, DT, Florida State.
52 - Cardinals - Josh
After the first pick for the Cardinals being a quarterback who can throw it a mile, the Cardinals need someone who can run that fast to go get it in Arians' vertical scheme. Fitzgerald and Michael Floyd are good players, but not nearly fast enough to catch Mettenberger's moon shots. The Cardinals select the fastest wide receiver in the draft, Jalen Saunders, Oklahoma.
53 - Ravens (from Packers) - Dave
The Ravens really missed Anquan Boldin this year and are determined to replace him with a similar player. Someone that lacks great size, speed or dominant college production. The Ravens select Donte Moncrief, WR, Ole Miss.
54 - Eagles - James
Yes, still searching for "The Next Dawkins," the Eagles return to the well whence he came (round and college, at least). With the intent to convert to free safety, the Eagles select Bashaud Breeland, CB, Clemson.
55 - Bengals - Dave
With this being a make or break season for Andy Dalton, Cincy needs a contingency plan. Mike Brown isn't going to spend money on creating a new plan--laminating ain’t free--so he'll just dust off the old one: sit back and in the second round get a noodle-armed QB. The Bengals select David Fales, QB. San Jose State.
56 - 49ers - Josh
The Niners do not have a need. They just continue to take the top name on the draft board and hand it to their speaker. The 49ers select Xavier Grimble, TE, Southern California.
57 - Chargers - James
58 - Saints - Dave
The Saints leader in rushing touchdowns was Drew Brees. He had as many TDs as Mark Ingram and Pierre Thomas combined. They need someone with a nose for the end zone. The Saints select Jordan Lynch, QB turned RB, Northern Illinois.
59 - Colts - Dan
The offensive line is still a disaster, and this is a team that put Mike McGlynn at guard to try to protect Andrew Luck. GM Ryan Grigson is super tempted to take a RB here because Donald Brown is leaving in free agency and his de facto first round pick, Trent Richardson, is probably the worst player in the NFL. Alas, in total non-shock draft fashion, and with Luck literally holding a gun to his head in the war room, he decides to help out the franchise player by selecting a prospect whose slide to this point makes absolutely no sense. Colts select Zach Martin, OT, Notre Dame.
60 - Panthers - Dave
The Panthers finished as the 2 seed in the NFC behind the Seahawks, who proved that defense win championships, and the Panthers defense was only 2nd in the league in scoring last year. And of course, great defenses stop the run, and the Panthers were only 2nd in the league at stopping the run. I think we can see where Carolina needs to improve. The Panthers select Deone Bucannon, S, Washington State.
61 - 49ers - Josh
The Niners are just laughing at the rest of the league, seeing as they have now had more picks than any of the contenders to this point. The Niners select Billy Turner, G, North Dakota State.
62 - Patriots - Josh
The Patriots need a big target more than anyone in this draft. The tallest receiver available goes to Belichick at 62. The Pats select Cody Hoffman, WR, BYU.
63 - Broncos - James
If the Broncos want to compete with the Seahawks, they need to get bigger. Big people beat up little people, after all. They Broncos select 6-5, 348 pound beast Cyril Richardson, G, Baylor.
64 - Seahawks - Josh
The Seahawks always find that big corner who can play, and this guy fits the mold. Hell, forget Stanley Jean-Baptiste, THIS GUY (Jon Gruden voice) is the next Richard Sherman. Seahawks select Keith McGill, CB, Utah.
Was this ridiculous? Of course, that’s the point. There’s little reason to think this is really that far off, and frankly we don’t care. We’ve captured l’esprit de simuler: conjecture based on minimal research and little knowledge, done through late night drunk emails. If you’re not doing it that way, you’re doing it wrong.
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