Angelo Cataldi, wrong man for this job

On this date last year, two terrible articles came out about the Eagles front office. One, almost everyone is familiar with, a hatchet job by Joe Banner puppet: Jason La Canforna. It you don’t remember the gist of the article was that everybody hated Howie Roseman.

"I wish I had a dollar for every time someone told me one esteemed coach or another advised one of the Eagles' top candidates not to take the job precisely because of Roseman's presence there."

I don’t want to focus too much of La Canforna, but we will get back to him later. Instead, I’d like to focus on an "article" that appeared in the Metro the very same day. The Metro, for those unfamiliar, is a free newspaper given to riders of Septa that is more likely to be used as a makeshift blanket or to wipe a butt after a BM than a place to find quality writing. Which is why it was the perfect place to find the Angelo Cataldi penned "Jeffrey Lurie wrong man for this job". In honor of the one year anniversary, I want to take apart the article in the style of the infamous Fire Joe Morgan guys, and give my own opinions. Here we go.

By ANGELO CATALDI Published: January 14, 2013

Jeffrey Lurie wrong man for this job

While the Eagles continue their endless search for a new head coach, it is becoming painfully obvious that their more urgent need is a new owner.

(Chip Kelly was hired two days later.)

Jeff Lurie is a terrible fit for Philadelphia.

(Philadelphia is an XL, why Jeff Lurie at best can be described as a medium.)

Lurie moved from his beloved Boston when he bought the team in 1994.

Unfortunately, his heart didn’t accompany him here.

(So he’s some kind of Frankenstein, or Heartless from Kingdom Hearts).

As someone who spent the first 32 years of his life in New England, I can spot a Bostonian from 300 miles away. They have the same love of sports that we do, but not the ornery attitude that goes with it.

(This might be my favorite thing every written. Lurie is labeled as an outsider who had the nerve to be from Boston. Yet Cataldi, who spent the "first 32 years of his life in New England" classifies himself as one of us "we". When does one stop being a Bostonian and become one of us?)

Lurie orders osso bucco at posh eateries with extensive wine lists and valet parking. Eagles fans inhale cheesesteaks and then wipe their mouths on their sleeves.

(Angelo makes seven figures as a shock jock, and has a home in Medford and Sea Isle city, like the rest of us regular guys who don’t understand hygiene.)

Lurie talks publicly a few times a year. Fans never shut up.

(Score one for Lurie).

And what we’re seeing during this two-weeks-and-counting search for a new coach is a glaring example of major disconnect.

(They don’t have disconnect in Boston, too hoity-toity)

So far, the Eagles’ power troika — Lurie, GM Howie Roseman and president Don Smolenski — has bumbled its way through interviews with 11 candidates — hour upon hour of prattle involving one man who knows football and three who don’t.

(They don’t know football, they never played the game. How can you understand football without playing the game! Except Angelo Cataldi, he knows football because he hangs around with desperate ex-football players who need jobs on the radio.)

The situation became so embarrassing Saturday that the team issued a statement after the latest snub, Brian Kelly of Notre Dame, claiming that the interview was another example of how extensive the search has been.

(Snooki would have been less embarrassing than the Situation.)

This was pure baloney, as usual.

(At least it’s pure)

Kelly used the NFL’s version of "The Three Stooges" to leverage a better deal out of his school.

(The Three Stooges played the game. They’d be more like the NFL’s version of The Three Musketeers, because they never played football)

Almost identical were the circumstances surrounding Oregon’s Chip Kelly. In their statement, the Eagles said they realized it was a "remote possibility" that any of the college coaches would leave for the pros, yet they interviewed Chip Kelly for nine hours. Nine hours? Asked what they talked about, Roseman said: "Everything." Is it any wonder Chip Kelly said no?

(Two days later, Chip Kelly signed with the Eagles, largely based on how impressed he was with Howie Roseman and Jeffrey Lurie.)

Unlike the team, Eagles fans know who fits best here.

(Buddy Ryan)

From the time when Ron Jaworski said his former ESPN booth-mate Jon Gruden wanted to be considered for the job, the customers have screamed their approval for Jon — not his less accomplished brother Jay, who interviewed yesterday.

(The Eagles just fired Andy Reid for having a few bad years in a row. They should have replaced him with a guy who was 6 games under .500 over his last 6 years coaching).

All of the qualities that attract Eagles fans to Jon Gruden, like his combative style, his boundless energy and his Super Bowl ring, are the very same characteristics that terrify Lurie.

(Because Super Bowl rings contain silver, and since we established that Jeff Lurie is some type of undead creature, you can see why).

The owner hates employees who don’t bow their heads upon his arrival.

(It’s one of the things that attracted him to his new wife).

Jon Gruden, who knows football, would never be able to restrain himself from uttering the one word Lurie will never tolerate: No.

(Can’t spell Boston without N and O. Seems like a conundrum).

Jeff Lurie doesn’t fit Philadelphia. He speaks constantly about his love for the fans, then proves the opposite with every illogical interview he conducts.

(He tried to set up interviews with Weeb Ewbank and Greasy Neale. Oh the illogicalness!)

Eventually, one of these unproven candidates will win his gushing approval — and, more importantly, will be desperate enough to deal with him.

(Like Chip Kelly)

The Eagles will have a new head coach soon. But as long as Jeff Lurie owns the team, will it really matter?

(We need an owner who is from here, like the compulsive gambler who almost moved the team to Phoenix, or the used car salesman that gave Mike Quick an empty golf bag.)

– Angelo Cataldi is host of 94 WIP’s Morning Show, airs weekdays 5:30-10 a.m.

That ends the "article". A day after, the 15th of January, Angelo Cataldi had Jason La Canforna as a guest in order for La Canforna to defend himself from allegations he wrote a hack job. The next day the Eagles hired Chip Kelly. La Canforna was exposed for the worm he was, pretty much trying to ignore the hack job he did and refusing to comment on it. As for Cataldi, I’m don’t know. I don’t listen to his D- version of the Howard Stern show he passes for sports, nor have I happen to come across any articles he has written. My guess is that he has either ignored his words, or has done some insincere attempt to be nice, like he did with McNabb. And I am also assuming that if things go bad, he will say "see, I told you", like he also did with McNabb. Angelo Cataldi is a bottom feeder and a coward. He surrounds himself with sycophants in his callers and co-hosts. In the year 2014, Angelo Cataldi doesn’t maintain a social media presence because it would make him vulnerable to people calling him out, and New England Ange doesn’t do that. He has embarrassed my city with his words, actions, and by playing to the lowest common denominator of fandom. He is a disgrace, and we’ll be better off when that foghorn he calls a mouth stops working. It’s painfully obvious that Angelo Cataldi must have left his brain in Boston.

Jesus Zoidberg

Thanks to the good people at Bleeding Green Nation for letting me rant.

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