FanPost

Why the Iggles will lose to the 0-4 Gints.

Hi all, I don't post many FanPosts... I have in the past, but I don't tend to have the time nor energy to devote to much more than a few comments here or there. Also, I've never been a happy writer. I've been told that aside from grammar, spelling, and other basic language art skills I'm a good writer. So please hang with me a moment as I formulate my random thoughts (that always seem better, funnier, and more eloquent in my head) into a looong winded post of text for you to digest.

Why the Eagles will lose to the winless Giants

Let me start this by saying that I hope I'm wrong. Also that I have no grand delusions about this team. It's a rebuild, so I wish to have fun by playing Debby Downer here, and maybe just maybe you will to by reading it. During the week we will see many of the usual game week posts, a tail that begins with the wrap up of last week:

  • Some wound licking on what a tough matchup we went through.
  • Maybe some reminders that we are rebuilding and transition is not easy
  • We expand on how this division is still open, because captaining the shortbus the rest of the league knows as the NFC (L)East is a great opportunity to jump drop from a number lower than 16 to 24th in next years draft.

From here we will start the turn around to a mandatory Thursday Night Football thread, the news usually isn't that exciting:

  • Some guy getting a last chance workout (He's bad and couldn't make the Jags? no ACL injury? no deal?).
  • A positive spin will be given on how based on the statistic of Percentage of Undetermined Logistical Lessons Exhaustion of Defensive Formation Rotations Outscore Metrics Assuming Schedule Strength the team is not completely Fallen Under Catastrophic Konditions... 'ed. Not just yet anyway.
  • An interview the coach where he says nothing (but not in the boring way Reid did, now it's with panache and a wit that says "frak off" and mocks the reporter who asked a question no one expects a real answer to).

Then the end of the week, we will have the ramp up, time to get excited about the game at hand:

  • Some locker room noise about being hungry for next week (obviously because of lack of taco tuesday)
  • A "5 Questions" with the opposition (these can get different with divisional blogs)
  • 2 Team Injury Report
  • And the post, THAT post -- the reason why I'm making this preemptive salvo -- The post that dictates how the Eagles can and will beat a team that has shown they don't have any desire to win.

That is why I'm here. I don't want that post this week. It's a great way to get revved up. I've been revved up all summer. And that first game, well, to spare the image of Randy Marsh after the internet comes back on in that one South Park episode... It was worth the wait. The following week and every week since is filled with these canned posts. It's almost a hackneyed sort of tradition. It's entertaining enough to read breaks during our mundane 9-5s. Well 3 losses later, and I'm kind of wanting something new this week.

So here we are. Against a known foe, one we love to hate. This year, this week, this game neither is playing for a potential championship run. We are playing to find out if we can climb one more wrung out up the basement's ladder; or if the ladder breaks and falls another foot lower. Our team is not deserving of a post on how it can win, but on why we should expect a loss. Here are your 5 reasons:

REASON 1: Manning Face Meter is fully charged

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via 3.bp.blogspot.com

What's next?

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via farm4.staticflickr.com

I'm not sure how deep the face goes. But Eli can rebound... who couldn't against this defense. We might not even see the yearly turfucken pass that Eli makes. That one where he just closes his eyes, summons SexyRexy and heaves up the ugliest pass of the season. What am I talking about, of course we will.. and who will be there to cover Cruz when it falls back down to the turf?... Here's a hint

REASON #B: Not Asante

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via 3.bp.blogspot.com

Yeah, we traded him for that sammich.. which Andy Reid ate on a layover in Atlanta between a cheese steak and bbq ribs on his way out of town. Love him or hate him, Samuel was the Manning Brother's Kryptonite. Sure before mile marker 23 and 24 was mile marker 22. At times he might have been an arm tackling tough as jello corner, but he had a 6th sense for a Manning pass. He was practically their leading receiver. He's also a couple years removed from the roster, yet somehow makes this list.

REASON 3: Chips and Salsa

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via www.gothamist.com

Cruz loves to eat this stuff after touchdowns or something. He gets lots of them against us, we should be familiar with it. So naturally with a coach named Chip, we will a healthy dose of headline puns come next week. Get use to it.

REASON CATORCE: (Spanish? Blame U2.) Speaking of Blame, it's time we blame Vick for something...

I could go with the fumbling thing.. but outside of 1 game we've been OK with turnovers.. also they have David Wilson. So while its an easy target for Vick, it's easier for Wilson. Speaking of easy targets to not miss.. lets go with a mandatory part of the Giants defensive line uniforms this week

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via upload.wikimedia.org

Oh, they'll be ready. They know Vick's Kryptonite.

REASON Last one from me: Eagles will lose against the 0-4 Giants because I wrote this.

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via i.qkme.me

It's simple, it seems that if we Eagle fans get too cocky, things get bad. We were too excited going into halftime week one, things came down to earth almost too quickly. We were so pumped about not losing a win we had in the bag going against a team that lost it's win a box we lost a shootout against San Diego. Then came KC where sure our defense was flawed, but our offense... will put up 16 points, and spot you some more. No highly inflated feelings going into Denver, but again even with the turnover machine put on low this offense makes 13 + some garbage time side salas. So the real reason is us, this is why we will lose to a team that doesn't want to win.. because that is who we are.

Well that was fun. Again, this was therapy. This week will be entertaining, and I'm happily going to the Tampa game.. can't wait to see the team lose in person (sarcasm? idk anymore, but in honesty I'm happy to get to see them in person this year). Anyway, feel free to submit your own reasons why your Eagles (or other team I guess if you're not an Eagles fan and somehow ended up here?) will lose against an 0-4 team. Hopefully it will be as cathartic for you as it was for me.

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