-----AP----December 15, 2013----------
Yesterday, over the course of 8 hours and 4 press post-game press conferences, the NFC East officially submitted their case for the Weakest Division in football award. While the teams debated over who submitted the strongest individual example, consensus was the cumulative effort was "an outstanding example of semi-pro play". NFC East Commissioner, Jerry John Snyder-Lurie, beamed, "I dare anyone to say they sucked more than we did yesterday! We went 0-4 against only 1 good team, gave up 135 points, turned it over 15 times and had 30 penalties called against us! There just has to be an award for a pile of crap that high!"
There was much debate about who contributed the most to the award contention. Commissioner Snyder-Lurie hinted at his bias for individual contributor when he noted, "I couldn't think of a better capper on our day than to have our old friend Tony Romo completely blow another game with not one but two INTs when the game was on the line - when we needed the NFC East to show how bad it can suck - there stood Tony".
But not all were in agreement
Eli "my game has not deteriorated, I have thrown just as many interceptions as my rookie season" Manning, was hotly in dispute with Jerry John Snyder-Lurie:
"Are you kidding me? ! We scored zero points ! Zero. Yes, the Seahawks are great but zero? How much lower can you get than zero? None. None more zero."
Mike "just how bad can a coach mishandle a QB situation" Shanahan stormed out of the press conference upon realizing he had shown up in his daughter's girl scout uniform. His spokesman noted, "We couldn't even beat the Falcons. Drexel beat the Falcons. AND we turned the ball over BEFORE the opening kick-off. How can we not get the award?!"
Chip Kelly offered: "not knowing that 19 pts down is one of those two-point conversion numbers....well, we didn't have the 2 pt in college. Besides, I was busy devising ways of not getting Shady the ball. Foles was throwing 20 ft high balls but I figured fatigue would put those right on target sometime in the second half"
Coughlin: "oh, for God's sake, we started 0-6. Give me the damn award already"
Jason Garrett: "you're forgetting my secondary. these guys can't tackle a mailbox...and worse, they refuse to"
Kelly: "I started Kurt Coleman"
All Others: "ouch....I don't know if we have anyone that sucks that bad...but give us a minute"
DC's DC, Jim Haslett: "I can't believe I still have a job! I'm being beaten by 'handoff up the middle' and 'go long' for heaven's sake"
Kurt Coleman to himself: "just don't lose those pictures....just don't lose those pictures"
Eli: "just look at a picture of my face....just look at....that's all I'm saying"
Billy Davis and the Eagles secondary: "look, we knew the Vikings had their 3rd string running back in but we still didn't expect them to pass. We sort of thought, they'd just stand there and sway back and forth. Did you see that, what's he called, 'a quarterback'? He tossed the ball..IN THE AIR....sometimes as much as 15 yards...sometimes longer!...and he moved a little when we tried to rush him - he was INCREDIBLE athlete! Wow, we weren't prepared for that, what's it called ? Passing, you say? Is that legal? Throwing the ball down the field like that?
RG3: "They won't even let me wear the uniform, if that's not an embarrassing state of affairs, I don't know what is. We are clearly contributing the most to the demise of the NFC East. p.s. my knee hurts, no it doesn't, yes, coach says it does, but it doesn't, I mean unless they say it does. I've said too much - time to shut down"
Cowboys OC Bill Callahan: "I can't even get out of the way of this offense. They hand off and get 8 yards/carry against the Bears and Packers and still, I'm like some ADHD kid with a video game controller - I don't care about winning, I want to go for High Score ! Look how fast my career is going down hill ! But who's stupider, me or my head coach ? I mean,hell, I got fired from the Raiders for doing the exact same thing in Super Bowl XXXVII. Those players went on record that I sabotaged a perfectly good run game by changing to heavy passing for no damn good reason!"
Finally, NFC East commissioner Jerry John Snyder-Lurie, offered, "Look, the only divisions that can possibly challenge the NFC East for worst are the AFC South and the NFC North. Except for the Eagles, our division is consistently putting up embarrassing quality, stupid play calling, and laughable coaching. The only way we'll lose this award is if those damn Eagles win out and win their first playoff game...Can I make them rehire Moron Wig and Castillo?"
The NFC East, once the pride and joy of the NFL....now competing with the likes of the Dolphins and the Chargers (well, maybe not the Chargers but definitely the Dolphins...and Duke....the Dolphins, Duke and Drexel)
The 2013 Eagles - needed now more than ever.