Nick Foles: Super Bowl MVP/Bench-warmer (satire)

February 3rd, 2014

Philadelphia fans rejoice: the Eagles have finally won the Super Bowl! In Chip Kelly’s first season as head coach, the Eagles started out rocky, but then went undefeated in their last 11 regular season games under the leadership of backup QB Nick Foles.

After the game, we caught up with Super Bowl MVP, Nick Foles, who complete 21 of his 30 passes for 331 yards, 3 touchdowns, and no interceptions. When asked about his role on the team, Nick stuck to his modest-yet-confident ways. "I am always going to prepare as if I’m the starter, even though I realize that Mike will start next season once he is healthy. What’s important is that our friendship continues to develop."

After the game, coach Chip Kelly reiterated this sentiment. "Nick is an OK player, I guess, and I’m glad he took us through an undefeated 14 game-span that ended up with a Super Bowl victory, but I’m not in any position to make a decision about who will start in Week 1 of the 2014 season. It’s and open competition between Mike and Nick." Coach Kelly later stated that Mike had already won that competition.

Eagles GM Howie Roseman reiterated that they had just extended Vick’s contract by 3 years and 60 million dollars the week before the Super Bowl. He noted that "you don’t pay your backup 20 million a year, Mike is the clear starter here."

The locker room also echoed these sentiments. WR DeSean Jackson and RB LeSean McCoy both noted that Foles could lead the team if absolutely necessary, but made it clear that Mike was the unquestioned starter and leader of the team. Center Jason Kelce emphatically stated that "we would have went undefeated in the last 11 games and won the Super Bowl whether Mike or Nick was our QB. It really doesn’t matter who is playing back there. It’s not that important of a position."

Offensive Coordinator Pat Shurmer told reporter Jeff McLane that Foles’ 82% completion percentage and 34 TDs without a single INT in that 14 game span was merely a matter of play-calling. He stated: "Vick would have went 20 of 21 in the redzone as well if we had called our good plays while he was in." But he also warned that "we’re not sure if we’ll call good plays or bad plays in the redzone next season, we’ve really got to see who is starting first."

Beat reporter Reuben Frank questioned the team’s decision not to start Foles in 2014; he cited 24 obscure stats about Foles to make his case and then went on a tirade about Mumford and Sons. The accuracy of his statistics have yet to be verified.

We are also still awaiting a witty pun from beat reporter Les Bowen, once he returns from his 7-hour, 1-mile morning jog. He is said to be in good spirits this morning.

Needless to say, for now it looks like Eagles fans can expect another year with a QB controversy, in which Vick will win the starting job, only to succumb to a minor injury in week 3, which usually keeps players out 1-2 weeks, but which inexplicably holds Vick out for 10-12 weeks.

UPDATE: The Philadelphia Eagles organization has just restructured Nick Foles contract to include a bonus of $15,000 if he can repeat as Super Bowl MVP in 2014. This will bring his total salary for that year up to $630,000 (if he does indeed lead the team to another Lombardi Trophy).

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