Earlier this month the Eagles reached a deal with a new head coach, Chiptopher "Chip" Kelly. Along with bringing a much-needed culture change to the Eagles organization, Kelly will also be bringing his vaunted high-flying offense. But what exactly will this offense look like in the pros? This has been a hot topic for discussion since the hire and in the weeks of speculation preceding it, and I don’t mean to re-hash the same theories you’ve been reading everywhere else. Instead, this article intends to propose the completely realistic hypothesis that Coach Kelly will fill the roster with Pokemon in order to run an offense that will be a truly innovative force in the National Football League.
Mewtwo is the obvious pick here. At 6’7" and 269 pounds, Mewtwo has ideal NFL size and the ability to see over the line and read the entire defense. The Eagles have been lacking this the past few years. Foles might be able to fill that role, but Mewtwo has certain advantages. First, his psychic abilities allow him to make impeccable reads. He knows if its zone or man coverage before the defense even gets set, which is obviously an advantage in the NFL. He has the arm strength necessary to throw psystrikes and shadow balls, so he should have no problem making any NFL throw.
At 4’7", Tauros is the shortest halfback in the game. But he’s stout for his height, weighing in at 195 pounds. Moreover, he’s one of the most elusive Pokemon in the game. Even when defenses try to bait him he manages to run away. Some have questioned whether he’ll be able to survive in Philly – he has been skittish when rocks are thrown at him, will he react the same way with snowballs? Only time will tell. But his strength and agility make him worth the risk.
Chip Kelly loves having small, speedy running backs who can split out and play wideout in the spread. Electabuzz really fits the bill – at 3’7" and a mere 66 pounds, he makes Tauros look gigantic. But Electabuzz has absolutely electrifying speed. He’s been known to paralyze defenders with his shiftiness, and he throws a great stiff-arm thunderpunch.
Dragonite is an absolute monster of a wideout. At 7’3", he’s by far the tallest receiver in the game, and at 463 pounds he outweighs most linemen. But most impressive is his size-to-speed ratio. He can beat any DB down the field, and has the agility to get in and out of cuts with grace. He can really fly down the field, and he’s very intelligent – though he has had some issues controlling his temper in the past.
At 5’7" and 170 lbs, Golduck is considerably smaller than Dragonite. He is not as fleet of foot as many of the other skill-players listed here, but he has incredibly body control and massive webbed hands. Like Mewtwo, Golduck has the ability to diagnose coverage with psychic ability, though he’s not as proficient as his QB is.
At TE, Rhydon seems like an ideal fit. He’s not the best receiver – he’s a bit of a slow, lumbering type – but he’s an incredibly strong blocker. At 6’3" and 267 lbs he has prototypical size for the position as well as long arms, allowing him to get a good push on defenders and catch the ball away from his body, though his lack of agility mitigates this to some extent.
Kangaskhan is a very athletic left tackle, though he’s a bit slight for the position at 7’3" and only 176 lbs. But she’s scrappy and athletic, and her ability to multitask (raising her child in her marsupium while throwing around blitzers) is impressive to say the least. In typical Eagles fashion, Kangaskhan his a real high-motor type.
Golem is a fantastic pass-blocking guard who is nearly impossible to drive back in the pocket. At 4’7" he’s certainly not tall, but his 660 pound frame is always set low, giving him tremendous leverage on taller linemen.
A lot of people might think Snorlax would be a perfect LT, but I think he’d be better at center for several reasons. First, he’s incredibly slow; he simply does not have the athleticism to play on the edge. At 6’11" and over 1,000 pounds, he has no problem taking on multiple linemen. In fact, against the three four he can sometimes envelop all three linemen, which is a huge advantage. He is usually feisty, but his obvious flaw is stamina. He falls asleep easily, sometimes during a play. His size usually lets him recover from these lapses and allows him to block lanes even in his sleep, but it’s certainly a concern. If you can switch the ref’s whistle with a Pokeflute it certainly helps.
Venusaur is an all-around solid guard. At 6’7" and 220 lbs he’s a tad slight, but playing next to Snorlax allows him some leeway. Additionally, his vines can entrap rushers and he has been known to headbutt players and knock them off their feet. If he can avoid penalties he’ll be solid.
Machamp is a risk-reward type at tackle. He’s got decent size at 5’6" and 283 lbs, and he’s incredibly athletic and strong. However his arms often get tangled, and he draws more holding penalties than Tyron Smith, King Dunlap, and Demetress Bell combined. But he’s a special talent with too much potential to let sit.
So this is how I see it breaking down. If you would like to suggest a change please do. If you’d like to email me, please contact firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks for reading!