Welcome my friend. This is what the Eagles should do this offseason.
Richard Simmons – new strength and conditioning coach.
Obesity is a rising issue in the United States. Many people watch football especially children. And who do they see as role models? Football players! If football players have a gut, then children will think it’s cool too. Unfortunately being fat is not cool. Fat people are often discriminated for being lazy. That is why the Eagles should hire Richard Simmons. Simmons would rip these Eagles players back in shape. No more spaghetti arm throws! Now touch those toes guys. Richard Simmons is a hero. Obesity rates with be down to zero!
Two random girls.
The NFL wants to diversify the sport of football. Adding a woman on a NFL team will prove that the NFL cares about diversity. Too many women complained about how a woman cheerleader is degrading. I don’t know how it is degrading especially when NFL cheerleaders help the local communities. You don’t think so? Look, we are not the Dallas Cowboys. The Cowboys’ cheerleaders have the personality of a cheese pizza. The Eagles aren’t the Cowboys. Andy Reid wants players with great character. With a great personality, the Eagles should sign women who can appeal to female fans.
I pick these two girls because they remind me of GI. Jane. These two lovely ladies could serve as linebackers. Too small you say? I think we can call Sam Cook. He probably knows where you can get some HGH or something.
Say hello to the new Eagles’ MLB. Listed at 5’2 and 120 pounds, Kim has a lot of sass. Many people believe everyone has a special talent. Miss Kim has been searching for her gift for thirty years now. From singing to acting, this Kardashian has not found her passion. I believe everyone know what’s Kim’s talent is though. That booty! Kim’s butt is synonymous with herself. An old lady told me once to work what your mommy gave you. So Kim, flaunt your assets.
So you might ask why Andy Reid should make her a professional linebacker. Andy Reid is a creative mastermind when implementing new ideas. Kim probably can’t play football but who cares? Why worry about tackling an opponent when you can distract him? With Kim’s giant butt, she can distract the opposing lines from making a play. Any player who ignores Kim’s butt dance will be scrutinized by the American media for acting "funny". If the opposing player is not distracted by the sass machine, he still has to worry about the two she-hulks. American women will be happy about women playing in the NFL and the Media will have numerous topics to debate on. You hear Skip Bayless? Andy Reid is a genius.
In this next section, I’m going to randomly select players. The only thing the Eagles need is a 99 rating in Madden 2013. With the best team, I can beat players online with no sweat. Everyone is going to be envious of the Philadelphia Eagles 2012 -2013 roster. Mwhahaha.
1st round: Dontari Poe
He had a great combine. How often do you have the chance to sign the greatest DT ever? It’s almost impossible. The Eagles should pick him if he is available. There is no problem with having more depth.
2nd round: Brock Osweiler QB and Doug Martin, RB
Osweiler sounds sophisticated. The Eagles need a smart quarterback. I’m tired of quarterback dog hunter getting hurt. Maybe a sophisticated quarterback would change the Eagles’ woes?
Doug Martin? I’ve never heard of him but I like the name Doug. Doug reminds me of that great cartoon show from the 90’s. Now all we need is some Patty Mayonaise for Kim Kardashian’s buns.
3rd round: Dwayne Allen, TE
Dwayne? Not as cool as Dickey Hand. Remember Hand vs Wang matchup last year? Okay so the Mets and the Nationals suck last year but that was a great game. Too bad ESPN didn’t write about Hand beating Wang. Anyway Celek sucks. He should quit his day job and work at McDonalds. Dwayne Allen would be an obvious update at the tight end position.
4th round: Bobby Wagner, LB
Is he related to Billy Wagner and Richard Wagner? Let’s sign him!
5th round: James Brown, OT
I thought James Brown was dead? I guess he went through reincarnation quick huh? If he still has the moves, the Eagles would be stupid not to sign him.
6th round: Josh Chapman, NT and
Ryan Steed, CB
Sounds like Rex Chapman. Draft him.
Steed rhymes with Creed. Creed was a great band. Eagles do the deed and draft Steed.
So I created all these players on Madden 2012. The Eagles ranked #1 in Offense and 2# in Defense. Now I can win the Madden tournament in August. Madden 2012 sucks because it doesn’t have the charm feature though. Kim Kardashian would be a beast with the charm feature. You haven’t heard about the charm feature? Okay I’ll tell you about the new charm feature. Before you attempt a tackle, you can charm your opponent with a press of a button. If you succeed in charming, the opponent will do something stupid. The computer could either give you the ball or run backwards. Pretty neat huh?
I read an article on Bleacher Report about this new feature. The author was talking about how similar the charm feature is to Jarrad Page’s tackling. No point in talking about Page though. The Eagles have already turned the page.
Thanks for reading my mock draft. Hopefully you gained something from reading this mock draft.