AP -- October 18, 2012 --
In a startling turn of events, Eagles offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg has fired the Philadelphia Eagles head coach, Andy Reid. Reid, was in his 14th year at the helm of the Eagles, and had led the Eagles to 5 NFC championship games in his tenure, advancing once to the Super Bowl in 2004. Mornhinweg announced that Reid would remain on as Executive Vice President of Operations "provided, of course, you know, he don't give me no trouble". At the advice of Joe Banner, Mornhinweg announced the head coaching position would be eliminated creating more room under the salary cap.
Coach Reid was stunned and after clearing his throat for a world record, 13 minutes and 10 seconds, said simply "I didn't know he could call that play without my approval". Later, he added, "I'm shocked because I had just contracted with a hairdresser to do some brain surgery, because who else works more around people's heads then they do? They have their hands on heads all day long and you always see brain surgeons come in and trade ideas with them at the end of the day".
Owner Jeff Lurie commented "I don't interfere with the football operations and if that's what they decided to do, then, gosh golly, I support it!"
Mornhinweg was pressed for comments. "Well now, you know, he's a good coach that Andy is...good coach...good coach...one of the best....now, we gotta do somethin about that....because, you know, he can cause you a lot of trouble". Mornhinweg later went on to explain that he took Reid at his word that 'the coaching staff should be evaluating everything' and had concluded that after watching the press conferences over the last 14 years, Andy had accepted responsibility for not putting people in a position to win 2,447 times. This was exceeded only by his acknowledgements that he hadn't done a good job preparing the team to play.
"How many times you figure a guy has to say it's his fault before you believe him?" Marty posed rhetorically, meaning while he chewed gum with his cap on. "I told him, that guy holding the sign outside Novacare had it right, 'Andy, the times to go' ".
Comments varied widely around the league. Asante Samuel was quick to tweet "see MoFo's ?! Nobody takes the money away when you get torched in the end zone but they smother you in it for just a few pick 6's. Goin' to Vegas and putting it all on number 22. F Andy".
Despite the Eagles plan to go without a head coach, the Giants Tom Coughlin lamented, "I don't see how this is going to improve my chances of beating them. But as long as the requirements for winning the Super Bowl do not change to include a victory over the Eagles, I guess I'm okay with it. They still don't, right? Right?!....C'mon guys, now don't screw with me."
Juan Castillo, from his new role as assistant coach, Bishop Ryan, reacted by finally calling a blitz. But as it was the opening kickoff, he was penalized his job.
Michael Vick was visibly shaken. Back and forth, then thrown to the ground, hard...then stepped on. His offensive lineman were nowhere to be seen and unavailable for comment.
Kurt Coleman could only say "in critical situations like this, you just have to close your eyes, duck your head, go to your knees and hope something good happens". Standing close by, but alas not close enough to cover for Coleman, was Nnamdi Asomugha. A renowned lip reader deciphered an articulate Asomugha as saying, "I am quite displeased with you my fellow teammate. Please study your playbook in order that I may not look so foolish on so many zone releases". Another lip reader, less renowned, interpreted, "you leave me hangin' out there once more KC, i burn your house to the ground".
Several Eagles, notably McCoy, Celek, Avant, Kendricks, Henery, Ryans, Maclin and DRC, stood huddled together around a league official, "just wondering, could we like maybe start our own team?"
Jason Babin mused aloud, "I wonder if Andy had coached hard on only a few 3rd and longs, if he might not have kept his job?....well, back to work... hey, wait up, what down is it?"
Desean Jackson, always noted for his consistent, heads up, and infallible play, inexplicably decided to attempt a double gainer from his locker room stool. He injured three other players and a reporter and was not expected to have anything to add for the next 3 games.
When Andy was asked if his VP Operations job allowed him to fire Mornhinweg, Reid quickly threw a red handkerchief on the ground. He was overruled.