NFL Fantasy Snake Draft Manifesto

Obligatory Note: I am a writer.  Believe it or not, I get paid to write things.  Things many people think about writing, but don't actually write.  Anyway, I decided I'd throw together a brief, but thorough (enough) fantasy guide for all you youngbloods getting into fantasy for the first time, or for those of you who still punch walls after your draft because you missed 54 opportunities to make your team better (that's estimated, of course).  I know it's late in the fantasy football-drafting season (and that'll be my first bit of advice - don't do any fantasy drafts before the last set of preseason games), but the most important advice can still be heeded.

Read on!  If you wish.  Or don't.  That's okay too.

Pre-draft: Know what players you like.  Not what players I like - after you read through this, it's obvious who I like [not for the BGN crowd - other than Akers and Mike Wallace!  Mike Wallace is my certified home-slice this season] - but what players you like.  And if you're throwing down $20 for fantasy football publications because you barely know what a football looks like, Christ I hope you're not embarrassing yourself in any money leagues.

General drafting rules: Fill your starting offensive positions first (the lone exception here is tight end - typically, value is found on tight ends late, but if you get Gates, that's an advantage for the entire year at a position).  Wait until the mid-rounds to get a defense (and even that might be too early, but if it's for your favorite team, it's excusable - make sure it's a defense on a good team if you're picking later, they're almost always bound to do well fantasy-wise).  Ignore kicker until the last possible round.  Don't draft Cowboys, except for maybe Felix Jones (they're perennially overrated).  Know the scoring in your league (my leagues are almost always PPR, so my recommended picks have that scoring in mind).  Value past performance over 'potential'.  Really value injury-free over injury-prone.  Don't label Michael Vick or Matthew Stafford as injury-prone.  Don't start pulling up the ol' porn after round 10; draft for the whole 16 rounds.  Value byes, but don't overvalue byes (you can always draft value with the intent to trade - but don't do that too much, because you might get stonewalled.  And then you're fucked!  But seriously, don't value byes at all.  I just wanted to see if you would keep reading!  Yup, I'm that guy).  Kick some ass. Take some names.  Win.  Your.  League.


First round strategy: top four picks, take a top four back.  Duh.  Peterson-Rice-Foster-Charles, taking schedules, schemes, hamstrings, and past success into account.


Picks 5-8: Andre Johnson is by far the best option here.  LeSean McCoy and Chris Johnson (if you like the idea of playing russian roulette, but aren't totally committed to getting your head blown off as a potential consequence, this is the guy for you!) are nice back-up plans.


Picks 9-12: Here's where we get iffy: LeSean McCoy has to be the priority.  If he's on the board, he's gotta get taken - but if he isn't, we switch positional focus.  Calvin Johnson/Roddy White/Larry Fitzgerald at wide receiver are the next three we look at, and...yes.  It's Michael Vick time, baby!  Especially if he falls to the wrap-around.  Locking up Vick and one of the three-four elite wide receivers will go a long, long way towards determining the league.  And that opportunity isn't given very often in the early stages of drafts.


Round 2: Almost always wide receiver.  I don't care what was taken in the first round, unless a big-time back falls here (McFadden?), it almost has to be a wide-out.  Later in the round, I could see going S. Jackson or Hillis, but that's only if Andre is on the team - remember, elite seasonal running backs find themselves on the waiver wire by week 5 as often as bridesmaids find themselves spreading their legs to some random limp-dick on their best friend's wedding day out of sheer desperation.  That's to say, it happens often - so it's really not the best plan to blow your two highest-quality loads on a commodity that can be found when dumpster diving. (hooray over-extended sexual innuendos two sentences in a row!)  End-round wrap-around, we're looking directly at Mike Wallace or an inexplicable drop.  I love you, Mike Wallace.


Round 3: Value the best player to the worst player, in that order (obviously based off who you drafted - if you got Vick, don't get f*cking Brady).  The 'order' based on who is typically available goes something like this: [NOTE: yup, I'm a tease - but I want to crush my BGN leagues, and revealing my favorite players is an advantage even I can't give.  Sorry!].  If it gets further down from there, probably you're fucked.  Sometimes, people like to get skill positions early because good QB's are known to be available late.  Others like to get good QB's early because they like the consistency week-in, week-out of an elite QB.  This is something you'll have to decide for yourself.  And if you do determine which way you'll lean all by your lonesome, congratulations!  You have a mind of your own!


Round 4: Biggest need at the best value, just like round 3.  Continue that until round 8.


First eight rounds general summary: 1(RB1), 2(WR1), 3(QB1), 4(WR2), 5(TE), 6(RB2), 7(WR3), 8(DEF) - unless a high-value player shows up where he shouldn't be and you're already overdrafted at that slot, this is a good model to try and follow*.  No shame in getting Chargers or Patriots DEF in round 14-ish for pennies on the dollar.  One last note/caveat - *the model is almost never followed exactly.  If Andre falls to 10, you nab Andre - and if Calvin falls to 15 on the other side, you nab Calvin.  As long as you're focusing on the best players to fill the open offensive slots for the first 6 rounds (or extended to 7 if you get Antonio Gates in a comfortable slot without over-reaching), you're doing it right.


Last eight rounds: this is where we shake our money-maker.  IGNORE KICKER UNTIL THE LAST ROUND.  NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT KICKERS. (brief sidebar: why the hell do we have kickers as a streamlined fantasy mainstay, but we haven't yet intergrated defensive players into the mix?  Doesn't that seem...wrong?)  Also, get Akers in the last round, 'cause he'll fall to there!  Yaaaaay Akers!


Stock RB's and WR's like crazy.  Get [someone and someone else] at the second-to-last round or something as your [obligatory team captain who is actually terrible at the sport he plays so he's always riding the pine but he's a really great leader!].  Great options include: [players players more players] and onward and so forth.  This is typically where the individual scouts the players he or she feels most comfortable with and goes with them - the aforementioned players happen to be ones I like for their value this year.  You may feel differently.


That's why I'll win, and you won't!


In all seriousness, have fun and enjoy.  Smack-talk is part of the experience, so be liberal with it.  And watch that waiver wire - leagues are won on the wire.

Cheers.

PS: Auction drafts are better, in my humblest of opinions.  I've got a strategy for that, too - but sharing any part of that with the general populace will mess me up entirely with the other BGN league I'm in.  If you're doing an auction draft, aren't someone I'm facing in the BGN auction draft league, and have no idea what the hell is going on, e-mail me at cwel87@yahoo.com and I'll send you my general notes.