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An Intervention with Jessica Simpson and the Wide 9

An intervention is an orchestrated attempt by one, or often many, people to get someone to seek professional help with a serious problem.  In this instance, due to the overwhelming similarities, we shall kill two birds with one stone.

 

Please join me for today's intervention directed at Jessica Simpson and the Wide 9 Formation

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My harsh words for these two after the jump.  Someone has to do it.

- What in the hell happened to you!?  There was a day, not long ago, when it was easy to get all hot and heavy for you.  Isn't it time to adjust?  I am not a fan of you in this current state.

 

- Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?  You're looking really soft up the middle.  Any chance you can tighten it up for all of us?  For the love of God, please do so.

 

- Your Greatest Hits tape is missing any contributions from 2011 and quite honestly is lacking on the whole. 

 

- I'm having a tremendous amount of difficulty appreciating your ample sacks when the rest of you looks a flat out mess.

 

- The charts don't lie.  Your management has and continues to squander the natural talent that lay before thee.

 

- Aren't you familiar with some sort of Proactiv Solution that can assist with all these blemishes you're showing us.

 

- Has anyone contacted you about that sequel to Employee of the Month?  Didn't think so.

 

- I should have told you earlier but your reality show is train wreck and I don't see it ending well for you.

 

- Week after week, you're all wide open and out of shape!  Getting pounded up the middle by mediocre football players is no way to go through life.

 

- Years ago you were the darling of Tennessee.  Now if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and then make a change.

 

- You were once and are currently sitting on a seat that's 98 Degrees.

 

As an Eagles fan, please go get better before it's too late.

 

Then call me.

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