I Häte it as well
by EvilBanner on Aug 23, 2010 10:16 AM EDT
Email
Print
Neptune is a special place, my friends.
"I am afraid of going bowling on Rosh Hashanah." This was the oft-repeated mantra of my grandmother that I carried with me as I traversed the shit stained streets of the barrio. I never questioned the wisdom of my elders, but as we snuggled under her blanket, watching Lawerence Welk and eating poptarts dunked in nutella, I had to wonder. Was she onto something, or was this the ranting of the damned? She passed wind, excused herself, and sponged off in the corner as I sat dazed and confused...Airwolf would be on soon. And then she'd let me masturbate. Satan whispered to me as I finished. I sobbed the bitter tears of the penitent.
How can I forget her words? “¿Se puede lavar la espalda? Quiero que lo cubra en lino, mi amor.”
Where are my socks? It is windy out today, and I am all alone.
56 comments
|
16 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
I'll admit it, I laughed.
At least it wasn’t as long as the other one.
by NOLACuse on Aug 23, 2010 10:47 AM EDT reply actions 1 recs
"Its hard to live with a man learning to play the violin"
Is what she said to the police when she handed them the gun.
She passed wind, excused herself, and sponged off in the corner as I sat dazed and confused…Airwolf would be on soon. And then she’d let me masturbate. Satan whispered to me as I finished. I sobbed the bitter tears of the penitent.
Haha, I’m trying to decide if you’re a genius or a psychopath.
by JimmyK on Aug 23, 2010 12:18 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
I dated your grandma
She had a snake for a pet
And an amulet
And she was breeding a dwarf
But she wasn’t done yet
She had gray-green skin
A doll with a pin
I told her she was alright
But I couldn’t come in
Cleanse thy soul oh, Zappa!
It's "Kolb"ering time!
Your girlfriend was oh so hidious
She had a double chin
To date such a beast
Was considered a sin
Many confused her with frankenstein
Angry mobs assembled in a line
They busted down your door headed toward your room
When they arrived they saw you scarf down a bag of shrooms
They stood there and stalled
You’ll soon realize your mistake when frankenstein walks in on you tripping balls
eh…dont ask haha
I'M GONNA TRIP BALLS!!! -Frank Reynolds
I don't know what the fuck you just said EB
But you inspired me. You reached out and touched my heart.
by Greg M on Aug 23, 2010 1:20 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
Am I the only one...
More confused than amused?
by HankM on Aug 23, 2010 1:52 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
I don’t know, but it would be a cool name for a band.
by captain nodar on Aug 23, 2010 2:17 PM EDT up reply actions
that was pretty well done dude EB, oldasquick i like your taste in music sir
Loooooook here brotha'.....who you jivein' with that Cosmic Debris!!!???
Well
Atleast you properly used the jump
by Desean Da Man on Aug 23, 2010 6:17 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
Hilarious!
And he laid his golden fiddle on the ground by Johnny’s feet….
Looking Mean in Kelly Green
by goodfella46er on Aug 24, 2010 6:24 PM EDT up reply actions 2 recs
fire on the mountain...
run boys, run.
"Up yours, asshole!"--EvilBanner to effeminate yachtsman Boston Jeff Lurie
evil banners in the house
of the rising sun…..
formerly known as Northern Eagle
never bowl on the shabbas
^Nights Of Cabiria
by RadioheadbeatlesEagles on Aug 23, 2010 8:18 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
1st thing I thought of when I read this :)
by captain nodar on Aug 25, 2010 9:44 PM EDT up reply actions
Rec'd
Classy reference to a classy movie
R.I.P. JJ (7/28/09)
by Carolina Iggle on Sep 2, 2010 1:30 PM EDT up reply actions
good form, old boy.....good form.
"it's like i tell my ex-wife, i never drive faster than i can see, and besides it's all in the reflexes." -Jack Burton, Big trouble in little China
Read the first one.
Read this one.
Lol’d.
Never see shit like this on BBV.
"Thirty-nine seconds left...Manning lobs it, Burress alone, touchdown New York."
by tito (eight and oh) on Aug 24, 2010 10:12 AM EDT reply actions
BBV is a stodgy place of despair and pain.
And few, if any of its members would understand important surrealist pieces like the ones that have recently appeared at BGN. Welcome, Tito. You serve as a beacon of hope from an otherwise beleagured, besotted and beshitstained 5 boroughs.
"Up yours, asshole!"--EvilBanner to effeminate yachtsman Boston Jeff Lurie
Haha suffice it to say...
The average age of posters at BBV is easily twice that of the posters here at BGN.
Not a knock by any means, as they do bring a lot to the table as far as history of the team (go ahead, aske me who Del Shofner is), and just well thought out analysis in general goes, but when it comes to getting a good laugh BGN is second to none…that is of course unless tired jokes about wives, and the use of Extenze tickle your funny bone moreso than fine literary accomplishments such as these.
"Thirty-nine seconds left...Manning lobs it, Burress alone, touchdown New York."
by tito (eight and oh) on Aug 24, 2010 2:46 PM EDT up reply actions
Best Giants WR to wear #85
Played in NY from 61-67
5 time All Pro, 5 time Pro Bowler.
Led the NFL in Rec. Yards in ’58. Finished top three in that category four other years.
Made the 60s All Decade team.
Only reason I know all this is because we got into a debate about who was the greatest Giants to wear #85. I argued Tyree, the elders argued Shofner.
"Thirty-nine seconds left...Manning lobs it, Burress alone, touchdown New York."
by tito (eight and oh) on Aug 24, 2010 3:49 PM EDT up reply actions
why in the fuck would you argue Tyree besides one catch no one would even know he played football. And don’t give me that special teams bullshit.
Most memorable 85 maybe but best … no fucking way. He wasn’t even better than Jimmy Robinson.
They call me The Professor.
The argument wasn't best.
It was “Greatest” which turned into the philosophical argument that you just brought up….should it go to he who will be most remembered, or he who put up the best numbers.
The honor went to Tyree.
"Thirty-nine seconds left...Manning lobs it, Burress alone, touchdown New York."
by tito (eight and oh) on Aug 25, 2010 12:43 AM EDT up reply actions
Really … that’s idiotic. I understand the reasoning behind it but it’s idiotic to say Tyree was the “greatest” Giant to wear 85.
They call me The Professor.
Hahaha already been over this in a 400 comment thread
Not gonna get into it again.
Basically what it comes down to:
The greatest play in NFL history > A guy the casual fan has already forgotten about.
"Thirty-nine seconds left...Manning lobs it, Burress alone, touchdown New York."
by tito (eight and oh) on Aug 25, 2010 9:17 AM EDT up reply actions
Hahaha whatever dude.
Steve Sabol has seen more NFL film in his lifetime than you and I could hope to cover in two.
If he calls it the greatest play in NFL history, I’m not gonna be the one to argue with him.
"Thirty-nine seconds left...Manning lobs it, Burress alone, touchdown New York."
by tito (eight and oh) on Aug 25, 2010 10:59 AM EDT up reply actions
???
Perche?
Easily top 3 even for someone who’d hate the Giants.
Against all odds, against all circumstance were you don't have a shot, you succeed
All you hear about is the past, the past... the past is the !@#$ing past, this is the present.
THIS IS TEMPORARY! A CHAMPIONSHIP IS PERMANENT
-Michael Strahan
If it wasn't for a bunch of guys the casual (or modern you cuold say) fan has already forgotten about
Football would be as menaingless as a discussion about professional rugby or MLS (that’s soccer you know) in your average sports bar.
And yes, any comment regarding “the greatest play in NFL history” has to be a little colored by perception no matter who spits it out, wouldn’t you say? As Whodie126 points out, he could also have underlying motives for saying it as well.
It turns out I overestimated my apathy, but not enough to matter.
Despair and pain?
although i can smell the sarcasm on my side of I-95, i had to bite anyway. if by despair, you mean the despair we show every year as we sell out the Meadowlands’ season tickets, and by pain you mean the horrific pain in our face from smiling so much after man-raping the Brady Bunch, then yes, that describes BBV, and Giant fans, to a tee.
Beshitstained 5 boros…hehe, obviously you haven’t been to NY lately. We’re only mildly bepiss-stained now, except for Staten Island, which yes, is still beshitstained.
IMPEACH DOLAN!!!!
Staten Island was carved from a solid block of shit.
Or so the story goes…
"Up yours, asshole!"--EvilBanner to effeminate yachtsman Boston Jeff Lurie
by EvilBanner on Aug 26, 2010 5:22 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
the real trick is to put accent marks on your consonants
Like thiś.
"Verde que te quiero verde..."
Το πράσινο είναι ζωή!
That's right, I bleed green multiculturally
"if you shut someone down with class, it's more effective" - Udalango
Let's not get carried away now ...
Secretary of State for BGN aka "Most diplomatic man on this site," as appointed by Talon Talent
Still waiting for the Eagles to Bring It Home For Jerome
you had me at airwolf.
"it's like i tell my ex-wife, i never drive faster than i can see, and besides it's all in the reflexes." -Jack Burton, Big trouble in little China
EvilBanner
your making me sound like stalker …
whats your email dude ?
"I think pro athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create."- Daniel Tosh
If Football Had A Church , Brian Dawkins Would Be My Preacher. -NPK
Creator of "Jibta" - NPK
"i know talent .. the eagles do not " – JIBTA
by NorthPhillyKid on Aug 25, 2010 12:17 PM EDT reply actions
Help!!!!
pretend there’s an R
"I will never have my best season," Brian Dawkins
"There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." Bruce Lee
"This fucking game is over!" Chuck Bednarik
"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth" Mike Tyson
by Talon Talent on Aug 26, 2010 7:52 AM EDT up reply actions
disturbingly entertaining.
You are a sick genius EB. But well spoken none the less.
(This is the same guy who wrote that mini story of the bus of crippled kids getting hacked by a mob of Eagles fans, and having their skins removed and kites being made from them, It was a gory peace, grotesque by every means, but brilliant)
No sabias que tu puede hablar espanol.
You are definitly Macabre bro.
In Kolb we trust
EVIL BANNER
genius for sure
english prose exqisitely
written for masses
now in english EB i have got to say that was probably one of the best pieces of literature of read on here since , since aww shit since i heard DMAC got traded!
formerly known as Northern Eagle
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
