Cowboys Suck

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Some get drunk and become your best friend. Others constantly want to touch you, a few want to fight; and some get extremely emotional. Unfortunately, the few people I encountered at Texas Stadium with my dad and brother became raging assholes. My own issues with religion started long ago with my mother’s Catholicism and my father’s Methodist background. Even as a child church felt like a strange place to me. My brother and I were forced in uncomfortable clothes and asked to sit on an uncomfortable bench for hours without talking. Then, to top it all off, we were asked to give money so that we could return the following Sunday and do it all over again. Yet, I hold a place in my heart for the Bible and its stories even if no one can prove God’s existence.

Therefore God give thee of the dew of heaven, and the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine. - GENESIS 027:028
King James

And he will love thee, and bless thee, and multiply thee: he will also bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep, in the land which he sware unto thy fathers to give thee. - DEUTERONOMY 007:013
King James

Gluttony

Have you ever been drunk enough to eat whatever was put in front of you? The raging assholes next to us in the parking lot at Texas Stadium during our 2005 trip answered that question. There were six of them. They weren’t much older than twenty, and were actually pretty cool and considerate of the people around them…at first. The more Bud Lite they pounded, the more they went into their Ford Explorer and hit a metal bowl, which meant more shit talking. The two main sponsors of Texas Stadium seemed to be Ford and Bud Lite. Now what’s more American than that?

One of the guys in the group was sloppy drunk and probably the most raging asshole. Let me explain. First, back to my drunk, eat anything comment. The group had one of those portable/disposable grills you can purchase at Wal-Mart/Target. This guy attempted to cook hamburgers, hotdogs, and brats on the 10x10 grill all at once. According to him the hotdogs were done within a few minutes. Keep in mind that once the food was passed out, the others ate it, despite the charcoal being lit only minutes earlier. This guy didn’t even wait for the lighter fluid to burn off, as the directions suggest. So, his friends were now eating hotdogs doused in lighter fluid that had been cooked maybe 3 minutes, leaving the hamburgers and brats to soak up the rest of the fumes.

The hamburgers came off next, which were quickly devoured. As this kid attempted to turn the brats, now for the first time since they had been cooking, each one stuck to the grill. With a little force, using his hand I might add, he tried to poke the brats away from the grill’s grates, sending them onto the parking lot ground. He seemed unfazed by this, despite the close proximity of cigarette butts, bowl ash, and spit. When he was finished cooking, he began to prepare his own plate. The over-cooked on one-side brats, filled his plate. He went to give each roll a squirt of ketchup and when the lid came loose, his brat became a ketchup mess. None of this deterred him, as each ketchup roll was choked down, leaving ketchup to be wiped on his jeans. He used his buddy’s shirt to wipe his mouth. This led to an amusing, stumbling chase around the parking lot. Each move this guy made caused my brother and I to nudge each other, just to make sure the other was seeing what the nudged was seeing. My dad kept laughing, and protecting our parking pass, which seemed to be a hot commodity. A few guys on bicycles approached us and wanted to purchase the pass.

After the group of six was done eating, it was back to drinking. They now had the after dinner drinks out, minus the after dinner drinks. Shots of Jager and Whiskey ensued. The crappy cook of the group began to make eye contact with people around the lot, especially the three Eagle fans next to him. That meant us.

“I wonder who I’m gonna’ fight today,” Stumbles yelled.

After the third time he repeated the threat it became more humorous. All 6 of them were staggering, intoxicated messes. I don’t think two of them made the game. As we witnessed the situation deteriorating, we decided to head into the stadium. Two members of the group were barely conscious sitting upright in their lawn chairs.

***

The inside of Texas Stadium had the feeling of a rodeo. Not that I had ever been to a rodeo, but if I ever had been to one, Texas Stadium is how I imagined a rodeo to be. Maybe it was all the cowboy hats. (Not the team.) Honestly, I think it was the set up of the seats. The incline at Lincoln Financial Field offers a leg work-out. Texas Stadium didn’t seem to have a nose bleed section. The angles of the sections were more like a slight climb rather than a vertical trek. If you’ve ever been to a High School football game, where you sit on bleachers, you might understand the feeling I got sitting in Texas Stadium. I will say the hole in the roof was a lot bigger than I expected. Personally, I think the Cowboy organization ran out of money at the time of construction, that being the reason for the hole.

The guys in front of us were also friendly… until they got a few beers into them. Actually I think they were drinking wine coolers. That might have explained the fanny packs, because both went out in the 80’s. A fact I was clear to point out to these guys once they told us how they really felt about Yankees. We didn’t see them after half time. The Cowboys might be dubbed “America’s Team”, but I truly believe most of them are catalog fans. I swear I saw price tags of some of the Drew Bledsoe jerseys. Catalog fans know the name of their team’s quarterback and maybe 2-3 other star players. Catalog fans are trendy, just like calling the Cowboys “America’s Team.” The trend, like jean jackets and friendship bracelets, is over.

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