The situation is dire.

Andy, you blew it. You had years of nothing but success with a man with whom you chose to forge your destiny.  And what a destiny it could have been.  Years of playoff wins.  Years of a QB who had the best touchdown to INT ratio in the history of the franchise.  And you blew it.

But I don't blame you.

Rather, I blame society.  A society that has enabled you to become morbidly obese.  A society that has enabled you to glut your lust for pork-products, tastykakes and greedy fistfuls of lard straight from the can.  The nonstop flow of saturated fats has caused severe cognitive impairment.  I really don't blame you, Andy.  But you need to get help.

I want to help you, Andy.  That's why I've done some research.  This 2004 study from the American Academy of Neurology may help you.  This is my most fervent wish.  Andy, the results have come back. 

Diagnosis: Patient is morbidly obese and too fat to think clearly.  Saturated fats have clogged vital blood vessels to brain.  Psychiatric symptoms: Patient has become eager to please hermaphroditic front office personnel.  This is concerning, but not overly surprising given the patient's history of sycophancy.

Rx: Retirement.  Exercise.  Ingestion of less bacon and fried oreos.

Best of luck, Andrew!

Dr. EvilBanner

Methods: The authors related fat consumption to 6-year change in cognitive function among 2,560 participants of the Chicago Health and Aging Project, ages 65 and older, with no history of heart attack, stroke, or diabetes at baseline. Fat intake was measured by food frequency questionnaire. Cognitive function was measured at baseline and 3-year and 6-year follow-ups, using the average z score of four cognitive tests: the East Boston Tests of Immediate and Delayed Recall, the Mini-Mental State Examination, and the Symbol Digit Modalities Test.

Results: In separate mixed models adjusted for demographic and cardiovascular risk factors and intakes of antioxidant nutrients and other dietary fats, higher intakes of saturated fat (p for trend = 0.04) and trans-unsaturated fat (p for trend = 0.07) were linearly associated with greater decline in cognitive score over 6 years. These associations became stronger in analyses that eliminated persons whose fat intake changed in recent years or whose baseline cognitive scores were in the lowest 15%. Inverse associations with cognitive decline were observed in these latter restricted analyses for high intake of monounsaturated fat and a high ratio of polyunsaturated to saturated fat intake. Intakes of total fat, vegetable and animal fats, and cholesterol were not associated with cognitive change.

Conclusion: A diet high in saturated or trans-unsaturated fat or low in nonhydrogenated unsaturated fats may be associated with cognitive decline among older persons.

Source:

 NEUROLOGY 2004;62:1573-1579
© 2004 American Academy of Neurology