Dissecting The McKolb Situation: A super serious analysis explaining the true meaning of quotes from around the league

Andy Reid:

"People are entertaining us with offers. Nothing's been done, but we're evaluating all of them. That's the truth."

After careful thought, I realized he means:

"My cellie be blowing up! I haven't been on the phone this much since Domino's was rocking that 5-5-5 deal!"

Andy Reid:

"I'm not saying I'm doing anything. But we're keeping our ears open. It's an evaluation process."

Yet we all know he's saying:

"I'm holding out until I get a good offer. According to Madden '10, we should be able to get a high first, second, and third, at least in my saved franchise. Someone will do it. Probably Al Davis. He's an idiot."

Rams GM Billy Devaney:

"Absolutely false. It's utterly ridiculous. I haven't talked to Philadelphia about any of their players."

In truth, the Rams GM clearly implied:

"Why would we make a move that would so clearly benefit our team when we can get a rookie in here for $12 million per year?"

Donovan McNabb:

"My position hasn't changed. I've said all along that I would like to win a Super Bowl and finish my career in Philadelphia."

If you read between the lines, you'll see he actually said:

"I can't believe these idiots are trying to trade me. I oughta punch that fat sack of crap right in his pie hole."


"I understand the situation well and just hope whichever direction the Eagles decide to go in, they do it quickly. I think that would be best for me, Kevin, Michael, the Eagles, and any other teams involved."

But he really meant:

"Trade me already, dammit. Screw Kevin. Screw Vick. Screw the Eagles, and screw the buttholes I end up playing for. You trade me to Buffalo, and I'm going to kick the crap out of you. You trade me to Oakland and Imma kill you. Think I'm kidding? Try it. I'm crazy, fat man."


"No matter what happens, I've already begun preparing to have an outstanding season in 2010."

You can't fool me, Donovan. I know what you're really trying to say is:

"Seriously, yo. I'm going to kill Andy Reid."

Jeff McLane

"according to sources close to the situation"

I think what he really meant to say was:

"I was getting hammered at the pub and this guy sitting next to me said"

Stephen A. Smith:

"The treatment McNabb has received year after year has been disgraceful. What has taken place this off-season has surpassed betrayal."

You KNOW that means:

"This is bull! Andy Reid is only trading him because McNabb is black! Dude is a racist. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT, AMERICA?! WHY DOESN'T ANYONE READ MY INCOHERENT, RAMBLING GARBAGE ANYMORE?!"

Asked about the McNabb situation, Rams safety Oshiomogho Atogwe had no comment.

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