A Christmas Wish List

Merry Fuckin' Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and a joyous Kwanzaa to you all.  This year, I thought I'd write a Christmas list, not just for the Eagles, but elsewhere around the league as well...

First, my Eagles wishes:

1. We have four games remaining; that's a quarter of the regular season.  That may sound like a lot, but four weeks can fly by.  Make the most of it, Birds.  Beating the Cowboys and Giants twice would have us firmly in the driver's seat in the NFC East.  The Vikings are the only other team on the schedule.  Please...beat them all.  We have some serious competition gearing up for the playoffs, and we can't afford to screw the pooch now.  Win out, and a first-round bye is almost certainly ours.

2. Beat the Cowboys.  I want these two wins more than sweeping the Giants.  They beat us three times last year, and acted like they could walk on water the entire time.  Destroy them.  HURT them.  Show them who they really are, a bunch of cocksure punks that can't cut it when the going gets tough.  I don't care if Jason Garrett has righted the ship, embarass Mr. Princeton and his squad of bitch-made underachievers.  I want to see Jerry Jones make that disappointed scrunchy face, the face that looks as though a turd is leaving his body sideways.  Make 'em bend over and grab their toes, so Mike Vick can show 'em where the wild goose goes.  Just for the SEXUAL THRILL!!!  THE SEXUAL THRILL!!!!!

3. Get better, Asante.  I know that knee is really bothering you, but we can't afford to put you on the shelf while Dmitri Patterson and Joselio Hanson get smoked up and down the field.  We need your interceptions and for offensive coordinators to tweak their passing attacks to account for you. 

4. Dear Sean McDermott: the defense still can't tackle and the secondary stinks on ice without Asante.  FIX IT.

5. Dear Michael Vick: in the name of all things sacred and holy, LEARN TO SLIDE.  You are indispensable to this team's success, and defenses have made it clear that they're gunning for you.  They WANT to injure you, and the offensive line can only do so much.  Protect yourself, for the love of God.

6. Don't make the same mistakes you made with T.O....get DeSean's contract done, give him peace of mind, and his play will improve, I assure you.

Now for the rest:

1. To every owner and head coach: draft and collectively sign a letter to Roger Goodell and the NFL Referees' Association, and let them know how badly they've dicked things up this season.  I know that the commish came into the job promising to be a tougher disciplinarian than his predecessor, but what we've witnessed this season has been a bad joke.  Players get flagged if they so much as scratch their ass or look at the quarterback funny.  The zebras have been absurdly out of control, and their over-officiousness has cost teams wins.  Get 'em in line.

2. Dear Patriots, Vikings, Jets and Packers: Kick the shit out of the Bears.  Talk about a team that isn't as good as its record indicates.  Pats, you guys just got finished demolishing a cocky, mouthy team that grossly overestimates its capabilites.  Do it again next weekend.  As for the rest of you, see that Jay Cutler gets what he deserves.  I want him planted in the turf so many times that the only visible part of him will be his shoes sticking up out of the ground.  Get it done.

3. To anyone playing against the Steelers: keep beating Ben Roethlisberger like a rented mule.  I loved watching Richard Seymour pimp-slap him, and I cherished watching Haloti Ngata give him the goon-paw right to the schnoz.  I can't stand the Steelers because they're arrogant cheap-shot artists, and their coach, Mike Tomlin, seems to condone it.  If James Harrison won't stop cheap-shotting other players, opposing defenses should continue to slap Big Ben around.  Women of the World, rejoice.  One of the NFL's biggest pigs is getting his.

4. Dear Andre Johnson: on your first play from scrimmage, try to stuff Cortland Finnegan's facemask down his throat when you play the Titans again on the 19th.  I loved watching you mollywhop him while he went straight to the ground like a beaten dog.  I want to see more.  Attention, all NFL punks: what goes around comes around!

5. Okay...the Falcons look like they're headed for the number one seed in the NFC, with the first-round bye and home field advantage throughout the playoffs that comes with it.  Their remaining schedule: Panthers, Seahawks, Saints, Panthers.  Ouch.  Only the Saints are capable of giving Atlanta a game, and the Falcs will keep their starters in until that number one seed is clinched.  Please, Carolina, Seattle, New Orleans: pull some upsets.  Throw in a couple of those head-scratching upsets that some good teams experience when they least expect it.  I know it's a tall order, but I would REALLY prefer that the road to the Super Bowl go through the Linc.

6. Keep throwing picks, Eli.  When we get Asante back, he'll need the practice.

7. Dear Brett Favre: GO.  THE FUCK.  AWAY.  Say your shoulder is done, and sit your ass down.  Remove yourself from the game.  You were "past your prime" years ago, and you've sailed right past "the game has passed you by" and "ineffective."  You have slammed head-on into "liability" and "embarassment."  And since you didn't pay Jenn Sterger her hush money to keep her from squawking about you sending pictures of your middle-aged johnson to her phone, I'm sure we'll be hearing even more about you, this time on more channels than just ESPN.  Do yourself and everyone else a favor: hang up the pads, take a long walk off a short pier, and screw an octopus.

8. Dear Redskins: kudos on kicking Albert Haynesworth to the curb.  The next step is to send all of his teammates to his house under cover of darkness, with fresh bars of soap concealed in washrags.  Then have two guys hold Fat Albert down while the rest of the team, led by Mike Shanahan, takes turns waffling him a la Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket.

9. Someone, ANYONE, please shave Tom Brady bald.  Put Nair in his shampoo bottle.  Spike his conditioner with battery acid.  Tie him to a chair and Bic his scalp.  Just get rid of the Justin Bieber 'do so I don't have to see him flip it every time he puts his helmet on.

10. Dear Roger Goodell: fine James Harrison again.  Just 'cause.

My mouth to God's ears, fellow BGNers.  Hope you're enjoying the holiday season.  See y'all on Sunday night.