Eagles Fans Are Classless

Let’s face it, we are.  Each and every one of us is scum.  We are Eagles fans: the ones who throw batteries, pelt Santa with snowballs, cheer injuries and boo our best players. We call our black players the n-word, we are proud of the jail in our stadium, and we eat babies.  Perhaps you’re saying to yourself, "Well, most of that is true…  but I wasn’t at that snowball-Santa incident, so I’m not as bad."  Well that’s where you’re wrong.  All Eagles fans are douchebag tools by association.  If you ever wore an Eagles jersey, even that t-shirt your parents dressed you in as a baby when you were too young to choose for yourself, you are a Santa-hating battery throwing prick.  After the jump I will continue to admonish you, bad bad Eagles fans, while showing you how classy Cowboys fans get it done the RIGHT way.



Step 1: Get a lap dance during the game



 Unfortunately the video was removed because it was too classy for YouTube, but the picture should give you terrible Eagles fans an idea of how to behave at a game.  When you go to an Eagles game, why are you there?  To watch your team play some football?  To get up close and personal with your favorite players?  To enjoy the camaraderie of your fellow fans?  That can only lead to trouble.  High fives and screaming jubilantly when you’re winning, booing and getting drunk when you lose…  how is that fun?  What you should be doing is finding an inebriated young woman from out of town and convincing her to give you a lap dance and strip tease.  Remember, this is a football game gentlemen.  The last thing you should be doing is watching the field of play.  Pick up some venereal diseases for your wife instead.


Step 2: Mock Ed Werder

We just don’t get it here in Philly.  We should HATE Ed Werder.  What makes this even worse is that we have a prominent commenter here (he shall remain unnamed) who has an entire website devoted to the man’s mustache.  That mustache is an affront to God, yet Eagles fans revere it!  Follow the righteous path of the Cowboys fans; stalk Ed Werder and yell at him that he’s a hack until the police are called.


Step 3: Knock pedestrians unconscious



In Philadelphia, petty crimes are committed all the time.  Somebody might steal your Eagles bumper sticker or rip the effeminate little Eagles flag off your car.  When you catch someone in the act, you probably yell that them, or maybe even give them a little shove.  That’s not cool, Eagles fans.  That’s not classy.  The classy fan, as this guy from Dallas teaches us, punches the pedestrian in the face, leaves them unconscious in the middle of the road, and drives away.

(Note: this one was actually kinda badass)



Step 4: Take your class on the road games



Eagles fans are notorious for their antics at home games, but you know what?  That’s just lazy.  Anybody can get kicked out of their own stadium and put in their own comfy little Philadelphia jail.  It takes real class to go to other stadiums and get yourself kicked out and arrested.  That’s why Cowboys fans are often arrested in the dozens at their away games.  Because they’re just that classy.



Step 5: Watch the Rest of These Videos and Learn from them…



So really, what have we learned here today…  Every team has their crazy fans.  A lot of fans are proud of how crazy they are.  But to characterize an entire fan base by judging their crazy fans probably isn’t the best way to go.  We’ve got a lot of classy fans here in Philly, just as Dallas has their classy fans too.  I realize it’s more fun to make fun of the crazy fans, but let’s not take it too far.


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