Eagles Hall Of Shame

Hey Birdbrains: I felt that in light of the recent flurry of bad news emanating from training camp that I'd provide some much-needed humor.  Mind you, this won't compare to Bye, Dawk's masterful piece "Eff You...We're Winning Anyway," but I think most of you should find this enjoyable and funny.  This is just a list of past Eagles players (as well as coaches and owners) that have made us want to cringe, cry, scream, kick the cat, and puke our guts out.  This...is the Official Philadelphia Eagles Hall of Shame.

Quarterback: Bobby Hoying (1996-98) - Hoying gets the nod over guys like Doug Pederson, Mike McMahon, and Brad Goebel simply because he was a starter longer than them, and he set an NFL record in 1998 by completing 114 passes without throwing for a touchdown.  In fact, he didn't throw any touchdowns in 1998.  He did, however, throw 9 interceptions.  Like the aforementioned QBs, though, Hoying was forced to start because of injuries to the true starter.  But 114 passes without a TD?  Awful.  Dishonorable Mention: Mike McMahon

Running Back: Reno Mahe (2003-07) - Rockin' Reno, baby.  My god, he was terrible.  Completely ineffective as a rusher, being both undersized and about as tough and tenacious as toilet paper.  As a kick returner, he wasn't any better.  He always managed to rush into the pile instead of around.  In four years with the team, he scored no touchdowns, and fumbled 9 times.  Jesus wept.  Dishonorable Mention: Michael Haddix

Fullback: Thomas Tapeh (2004-07) - Another terrible rusher.  69 yards total in his career, 0 TDs.  Why the Vikings picked him up is beyond me.  Couldn't run, couldn't catch, couldn't block.  Blecch.  Dishonorable Mention: Josh Parry

Wide Receiver: Todd Pinkston (2000-05) - Half of the vaunted and feared combo of Stinkston and Trash (James Thrash), Pinkston was McNabb's go-to guy, for lack of a better option.  He never scored double-digit TDs and never had more than 800 yards receiving in a season.  A human stick figure, Pinky hated going over the middle, had alligator arms in traffic, and couldn't shed tacklers if his life depended on it.  One of the worst route-runners to disgrace the uniform.  He shouldn't even have been let back to darken our doorstep by trying to coach.  Pinky coaching wide receivers is like Dick Cheney giving a lecture on ethics: it just ain't right.  Dishonorable Mention: Freddie Mitchell

Tight End: L.J. Smith (2003-08) - There have been worse NFL tight ends than L.J., but his performance the last couple of years lands him atop the list for us.  He showed a ton of promise early in his career, and he began to emerge as a red-zone threat and an athletic pass-catcher, in the process becoming one of Donovan McNabb's favorite targets.  But somewhere along the way, a fuse blew.  Suddenly, he couldn't catch, couldn't hold onto the ball, and damn sure couldn't block.  His injuries piled up, too.  He was too slow to burn defenders, and too weak to break through them.  And why did he always try those stupid juke moves when running after the catch?!  That was half the reason he fumbled so much.  Good riddance.  Dishonorable Mention: Jason Dunn

Offensive Lineman: Kevin Allen (1985) - What a shithead this guy was.  He played one season for us, coming highly touted out of Indiana, and he showed up to camp in 1986 geeked on Bolivian Marching Powder.  After that?  Charged with sexual assault and earned a three-year stint in the can.  Banned from the NFL in the process.  Whattaguy.  I think Buddy Ryan said it best: "Kevin Allen is a good football player...if you want someone to stand around and kill the grass." Dishonorable Mention: Bernard Williams, Antone Davis

Defensive End: Mike Mamula (1995-2000) - Mamula is now famous for three things: being a draft bust, being the inspiration for the coining of the term "Workout Warrior," and flashing his crank to a female bouncer in West Chester.  Dishonorable Mention: Jerome McDougle

Defensive Tackle: Jon Harris (1997-98) - Taken 25th overall...37 career tackles...2 career sacks...3 teams in a 4-year career...and he's not enshrined in Canton?!  Dishonorable Mention: Leonard Renfro

Linebacker: Quinton Caver (2001-02) - Big things were expected of Caver coming out of Arkansas, but he proved to be nothing close to what management hoped for.  He spent two seasons with the Eagles, tallying 12 total tackles and zero sacks.  Dishonorable Mention: Matt McCoy

Cornerback: Izel Jenkins (1988-92) - Here's all you need to know about Izel's ability to cover receivers: his nickname among the fans was "Toast."  Dishonorable Mention: Monty Montgomery, Charles Dimry

Safety: Sean Considine (2005-08) - Terrible in coverage, and possibly one of the weakest hitters ever to line up at safety for the Birds.  A liability against any passing offense.  Letting him play alongside Weapon X was a sacrilege.  He's Jacksonville's burden now.  Dishonorable Mention: Blaine Bishop

Kicker: Manny Matsakis (1984) - 8th-round pick...kicked like he wore concrete galoshes.  Dishonorable Mention: Chris Boniol

Punter: Dirk Johnson (2003-07) - Dude lost the job to a guy who had previously only played Aussie Rules Football.  Dishonorable Mention: Ray Criswell

Coach: Rich Kotite (1991-94) - Richie the K took a team that had one of the best defenses of all time and ran it into the ground.  In 1994, after starting 7-2, Rich said he would "investigate his options" when rumor surfaced that Jeff Lurie would not renew his contract.  The timing was awful, demoralizing the team, and as a result, they lost their remaining 7 games.  And who can forget his "misread chart" blunder against the Cowboys and his "decline the penalty and punt" debacle against the Falcons?  What a boob.  Dishonorable Mention: Joe Kuharich

Owner: Norman Braman - He let Reggie White walk...'nuff said.  Dishonorable Mention: Jerry Wolman