Housecoat of Horrors!

I write a weekly humor column for a local magazine in Arizona. On occasion, I'll try and throw in and Eagle reference, or a Cowboys jab. My recent column does both. No great substance here, just a little fun. (Unedited, so please excuse any typos!

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Mark my words, "Death by Snuggie" will become the catch phrase of 2010.

I predict a huge uptick in Snuggie related emergency room visits, and Snuggie related lawsuits. It won't be long before this "blanket with sleeves" is connected to one or more fatalities. Think I'm kidding?

I admit it, I own a Snuggie, but I did not buy it myself. I received it as a gag gift for my 50th birthday. My kids destroyed the box shortly thereafter, so I was unable to re-gift it to some unsuspecting elderly relative, as I had hoped. It's been balled up in a corner of my closet ever since, just lying in wait. Today the Snuggie struck!

On this particularly chilly morning something deep inside beckoned me to don the Snuggie. Maybe it was a quasi-subliminal message from an infomercial playing as I was drifting off to sleep the night before, I can't really say for sure. Since I'm not big into conspiracy theories, I suspect that I was just cold and it was the first thing I grabbed.

I admit that I did not read the instructions before putting it on, but I'd seen the commercial 20-30 times so I naturally assumed that I could manage a backwards bathrobe. Later I discovered that the Snuggie does not come with instructions, let alone safety warnings. I'm here to change that.

The first thing that struck me was how long it was. I'm 6'1" and the sucker still hung three inches past the floor. I vividly recalled that perky mom in the commercial maneuvering through her kitchen to pour a blistering hot cup of coffee, so I naturally assumed that a strapping lad like me could navigate a set of stairs carrying my own coffee mug and newspaper. I was sadly mistaken! WARNING: Snuggies should not be worn on stairs unless you are 6'4" or taller. Both hands should be free when navigating rough terrain while wearing a Snuggie!

The next design glitch I discovered is that the dang thing will not stay on unless you are seated or lying down. Didn't I see that family (who resembled a flock of Trappist Monks) joyously celebrating at a local sporting event? Upon further review, I noticed that they remained seated while joyously celebrating. WARNING: Do not stand, jump, do "the wave", or otherwise leave a seated position while joyously celebrating at a sporting event, cloaked in a Snuggie. If you must stand, please wear a bicycle helmet at all times.

The final health hazard that I've discovered is the near certain pain and bruising associated to wearing this contraption to an actual sporting event. While they do come in burgundy, passable for Arizona Cardinals team colors, I pity the family who decides to go dressed as "Team Snuggie" to a game against, for instance, my beloved Philadelphia Eagles. While I do no advocate violence, in this case I might consider making an exception. WARNING: Never wear a Snuggie to sporting events with the possible exception of ice skating competitions and chess tournaments. If you ever find yourself being chased by an angry mob while wearing a Snuggie, quickly remove it and drape it around and unsuspecting Dallas Cowboys fan.

Along with the plethora of fatalities, injuries, and lawsuits associated with this "Housecoat of Horrors", I predict a worldwide massive recall to have the Snuggie retrofitted with a Velcro sash to keep it from falling off and tripping you to death. Or maybe they'll just cash in on the public outcry by selling the New and Improved Snuggie, now with matching "Beltie" and first aid kit!

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