Housecoat of Horrors!

by oldasquick on Dec 3, 2009 9:09 AM EST

I write a weekly humor column for a local magazine in Arizona. On occasion, I'll try and throw in and Eagle reference, or a Cowboys jab. My recent column does both. No great substance here, just a little fun. (Unedited, so please excuse any typos!

HOUSECOAT OF HORRORS!

Mark my words, "Death by Snuggie" will become the catch phrase of 2010.

I predict a huge uptick in Snuggie related emergency room visits, and Snuggie related lawsuits. It won't be long before this "blanket with sleeves" is connected to one or more fatalities. Think I'm kidding?

I admit it, I own a Snuggie, but I did not buy it myself. I received it as a gag gift for my 50th birthday. My kids destroyed the box shortly thereafter, so I was unable to re-gift it to some unsuspecting elderly relative, as I had hoped. It's been balled up in a corner of my closet ever since, just lying in wait. Today the Snuggie struck!

On this particularly chilly morning something deep inside beckoned me to don the Snuggie. Maybe it was a quasi-subliminal message from an infomercial playing as I was drifting off to sleep the night before, I can't really say for sure. Since I'm not big into conspiracy theories, I suspect that I was just cold and it was the first thing I grabbed.

I admit that I did not read the instructions before putting it on, but I'd seen the commercial 20-30 times so I naturally assumed that I could manage a backwards bathrobe. Later I discovered that the Snuggie does not come with instructions, let alone safety warnings. I'm here to change that.

The first thing that struck me was how long it was. I'm 6'1" and the sucker still hung three inches past the floor. I vividly recalled that perky mom in the commercial maneuvering through her kitchen to pour a blistering hot cup of coffee, so I naturally assumed that a strapping lad like me could navigate a set of stairs carrying my own coffee mug and newspaper. I was sadly mistaken! WARNING: Snuggies should not be worn on stairs unless you are 6'4" or taller. Both hands should be free when navigating rough terrain while wearing a Snuggie!

The next design glitch I discovered is that the dang thing will not stay on unless you are seated or lying down. Didn't I see that family (who resembled a flock of Trappist Monks) joyously celebrating at a local sporting event? Upon further review, I noticed that they remained seated while joyously celebrating. WARNING: Do not stand, jump, do "the wave", or otherwise leave a seated position while joyously celebrating at a sporting event, cloaked in a Snuggie. If you must stand, please wear a bicycle helmet at all times.

The final health hazard that I've discovered is the near certain pain and bruising associated to wearing this contraption to an actual sporting event. While they do come in burgundy, passable for Arizona Cardinals team colors, I pity the family who decides to go dressed as "Team Snuggie" to a game against, for instance, my beloved Philadelphia Eagles. While I do no advocate violence, in this case I might consider making an exception. WARNING: Never wear a Snuggie to sporting events with the possible exception of ice skating competitions and chess tournaments. If you ever find yourself being chased by an angry mob while wearing a Snuggie, quickly remove it and drape it around and unsuspecting Dallas Cowboys fan.

Along with the plethora of fatalities, injuries, and lawsuits associated with this "Housecoat of Horrors", I predict a worldwide massive recall to have the Snuggie retrofitted with a Velcro sash to keep it from falling off and tripping you to death. Or maybe they'll just cash in on the public outcry by selling the New and Improved Snuggie, now with matching "Beltie" and first aid kit!

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Comments

Haha

I was thinking about buying one of those for my wife… maybe now I’ll refrain and stick to one of those things they call… a “blanket.”

The Eagles are the first team in NFL history to have a running back (McCoy) and a wide receiver (Maclin) with 500 yards apiece in the same season before their 22nd birthdays.

by Smitty2K3 on Dec 3, 2009 10:38 AM EST reply actions

Smitty

I still think you should buy her one… an Eagles one. They have them out at the outlets. Just give her a pre-warning that she needs to stay on the couch while wearing it. If I didn’t already have three Eagles blankets, I would totally get one.

In life, as in a football game, the principle to follow is: Hit the line hard.
-Theodore Roosevelt

by Eaglesgrl5 on Dec 3, 2009 1:26 PM EST up reply actions

i don't know

i mean, for boarding school/college up here in the north, it would be nice to not have to carry a blanket around, but rather the blanket be a piece of apparel. I mean, at 3 in the morning when I’m finishing up a 20 page series of poems about hands, and longingly look at the blanket on my shitty dorm bed and realize that if I go over there, I will in all likelihood fall asleep…it’s moments like that when one thinks the snuggie is a great idea.

But, any other purpose for such a thing (excluding illness) is blasphemy

by birds'n'raiders on Dec 3, 2009 12:33 PM EST reply actions

backwards bathrobe

This is what I’ve been saying all along.

Jim Johnson 1941-2009

"The 0-2 pitch, swing and a miss! STRUCK HIM OUT! The Philadelphia Phillies are 2008 World Champions of baseball! And let the city celebrate! " - Harry Kalas 1936-2009

by Whodie126 on Dec 3, 2009 1:50 PM EST reply actions

Daniel Toshe says that.

thats Cobb on Kolb crime if you ask me... as said by yophillybro

by wild_eagle on Dec 3, 2009 3:07 PM EST up reply actions

I wouldn’t know that I don’t listen to unfunny people.

Jim Johnson 1941-2009

"The 0-2 pitch, swing and a miss! STRUCK HIM OUT! The Philadelphia Phillies are 2008 World Champions of baseball! And let the city celebrate! " - Harry Kalas 1936-2009

by Whodie126 on Dec 3, 2009 10:27 PM EST up reply actions

you don't think tosh is funny?

i just liked when he said “Great sports question, now can we have a man ask that question so we can take it seriously?” Thats the only thing i know about him so its a very small sample size, but it made me laugh quite hard

Eagles.

by #1EaglesFan on Dec 3, 2009 11:12 PM EST up reply actions