Before reading, please click the following link.  (Warning NSFW)

Yep, that pretty much sums it up for me right now.  How can you argue with Coach Rig in this instance?  As a note, I really wanted to find the video clip of the half-time speech, but YouTube failed me, so audio was the best that I could do.  Seriously though, every game when our offense goes stagnant, this is the clip that always pops into my head for some reason.  If you didn’t know, this clip comes from the movie Necessary Roughness, which in my opinion, is up there with Slapshot and Major League as some of the funniest sports movies ever.  How can you beat a movie with Scott Bakula, Rob Schneider, Sinbad (back when being Sinbad was cool), Jason Bateman, and the hottest kicker ever to lace ‘em up.  Speaking of which, get Kathy Ireland’s agent on the horn, stat!  She can’t be any worse than Akers, and she’s a hell of a lot better to look at while she’s blowin’ kicks.  If you’ve never seen this movie, rent it.  If you have seen it, watch it again; especially when football has you down.  Some fun Pennsylvania facts in the movie, Paul Blake was originally recruited by Penn State and the girl that plays the professor in the movie was born and raised like ten minutes from my house in Wilkes-Barre. 

Anyway, on to our offensive ineptitude…  I think I’ve come up with some suggestions for Andy to implement that will keep the play calling fresh, and at the very least, keep the game entertaining (if we’re going to get wiped out anyway, why not do it with a smile!). 

I call this the Controlled Chaos Offense…  And given that it’s an election year, if you elect me Offensive Coordinator of the Philadelphia Eagles, I vow to not only implement it, but also to require the Cheerleaders to wear skimpier uniforms (if that’s within my power, that is).

First, it seems that the defense adjusts after Andy has blown his scripted plays load and then we’re stuck in a rut, so I say we start instituting some new formations to keep things fresh.  First, and foremost, the single wing baby.  The Wildcat offense…  you know it, you love it!  I only have one statement to back up my philosophy on this one; if the Dolphins can make it work, so can we.  Second, screw the shotgun, I want to see the Pistol; it’s like the shotgun’s little brother.  I have no idea what you can actually run out of that formation, but let’s discover that road together!  Also, we need to work in a little Wishbone action.  How can you not love the wishbone?  It’s basically the Neanderthal of modern football formations, and the only person in the league that may be familiar with this offensive strategy is Al Davis, and no one will listen to him anyway…  Send it in!  Lastly, I want to add the Eastern Shotgun.  Now, I’m not entirely sure what it is, or how it differs from a normal shotgun, but fuck it, I say we just throw $1000 on black and spin the wheel baby.  It’s a party, everyone’s invited!  In addition, we are not allowed to use the same formation twice in the same quarter; let’s keep it fresh.

The next bullet of my philosophy will involve unleashing the Option dragon.  That’s right, we’re running the option.  Now, don’t give me any of this, “Man, that only works in college” shit.  See: Dolphins, Miami; Wildcat.  What’s that you say?  We have a fragile quarterback that refuses to run the ball?  Not so fast sunshine; because now we’re instituting the dual quarterbacking system.  Have we issued Kevin Kolb a helmet?  Fantastic!  Plop that piece of reinforced plastic on your head son, and run me some option.  McNabb and Kolb will now be alternating possessions; regardless of the situation.  We will be required to run at least 5-7 option plays a game.  Of course, McNabb may have to suck it up and stick it in there a few times to keep them honest, but so be it.  Send… it… in! 

Next, we’re going to be spicing up the play selection even more because, like I said, we’re laying it all on the line.  Bust it all out!  I want half back options, flea flickers, double reverses, wide receiver options, hook and ladders, fake field goals, fake punts, random onside kicks, the Annexation of Puerto Rico…  all of it!  Now, some may call these “trick plays”, but I like to refer to them as “insanely extreme misdirection.”  I want four of these types of plays called per game, minimum.  Yes, I know some of these plays may in fact snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, but that’s what you get with me because I’m a maverick.  Mavericks do mavericky shit.

Finally, and this will be a quick fan favorite, is what I like to call, “You Call it Conversion.”  Every quarter, we pick one series, and when second down comes, we open the phone lines.  If the Eagles fail to convert and face a third down, the lucky ninth caller gets to pick the play that we’re going to run; anything goes.  You want to see a go route to DeSean Jackson into triple coverage?  Awesome.  Wide receiver screen?  Great.  McNabb sneak on 3 and 20?  Send… that… bitch… in!  It’s your call guys and gals!  Why should Andy and company have all the fun?  Let’s spread that lovin’ around.

Wanna know what the strength of my sadistic brain child is?  There are no tendencies involved.  When 2nd and 8 pops up, there’s no more “Well here comes the screen to Westbrook.”  It could be a flea flicker, a triple option, the wishbone, the veer, the pistol; it’s all fair game.  There’d be so many formations and so much randomness going on (especially since fans are literally calling in plays), how do you prepare for that as a Defensive Coordinator?  You better break down film of every offensive play ever run by every NFL and college team… ever… because you might see that shit.  You wanna keep the defense guessing?  This’ll do the trick, right quick.

At the very least, it’d be a much more entertaining way to loose rather than our current way that gives me the constant urge to run into heavy traffic.

I leave you with another inspirational quote from my friend Coach Rig, “If this wasn't friggin astro-turf, I'd dig a grave for myself.”

Remember…  Foos for OC in ’09!

(I’m serious…)